Joshua's Birth - A Beautiful Experience

Baby Joshua is here! We are so happy to have him in our arms (and out of my belly!). Everything about his arrival has been beautiful and special, and we have both felt thrilled ever since.

We chose to have our baby boy at home. I know that option is not optimal or even possible for many births, but we felt that it was the best option for us. I wanted to avoid the increased risk of C-section that comes with epidurals and pitocin, and hospitals make me anxious and uptight, especially since the death of my mom. I wanted the most peaceful, comforting environment possible for such an intimate event. (Our home can be peaceful when Lily is not around.) We did lots of research on the safety of home births, and found a midwife who has delivered well over 1000 babies. She was wonderful to work with and gave us a very comprehensive level of prenatal care, with 45-minute visits at each appointment.

A good friend of mine, Joelle, introduced me to the HypnoBabies childbirth course, which I started using to prepare in January. It required a huge amount of time - often over an hour per day - and kept us up late many nights. I practiced relaxation, visualized the ideal birth, read birthing information, did prenatal exercises, practiced relaxation cues and scripts with Adam, did perineal massage, and learned self-hypnosis diligently for three months. I learned that the reason Lily's birth was so difficult was because she was facing posterior, and my contractions were pushing her into my back instead of my cervix. I also learned that this can be avoided by posture and prenatal exercises, which I did religiously.

Everything was going great until a week before my due date, when he somehow turned posterior in spite of all my efforts to prevent it. I was frustrated, afraid, and even angry. After several days, I went to the chiropractor and then we did several belly lifting exercises that are supposed to help. Thankfully, he wiggled right around. And the next morning at 3 am, my contractions started, about 10 minutes apart. I was actually excited!

I stayed in bed listening to relaxation recordings on my iPod until 7:00, when everyone got up. Then my contractions became closer together and more regular. Adam's mom was with us, so she got Lily ready to go to a friend's house. Unlike with Lily's labor, when my back was in so much pain between contractions, I felt great between each one. I ate breakfast, read a story to Lily, and talked with everyone, pausing to completely relax during each contraction. By the time they left to go at 9:30, my contractions were strong enough that I had some anxiety about Adam leaving (he had to take them to the car rental place). But I got totally relaxed on my birthing ball, listening to my iPod, and I hardly noticed he was gone.

After he got back, he was able to give me a priesthood blessing. Then I took a shower. My contractions were getting fairly strong now, but Adam just supported me every time I had one, and we talked cheerfully and I washed my hair in between. I even blow-dried it afterwards. It felt so natural and normal, except with the addition of increasingly more intense contractions every few minutes.

My midwife, Lisa, and her assistant Ellie showed up around 12:30. I relaxed on the birthing ball again, propped up against the bed with pillows. It was so comfortable, even though the contractions were strong enough that I couldn't talk during them. I stayed completely focused on being relaxed, no matter how intense they got, and kept saying "relax" and "open" to myself. Amazingly, with a number of the contractions, I could actually feel my cervix opening.

Shortly after they arrived, some blood appeared and they told me it was a sign of later dilation. I was surprised, but decided not to get my hopes up. During Lily's birth, everything took so much longer than I expected, and I felt extremely disappointed when I had been labor for 12 hours and was still only dilated to a 6. This time, I was determined to simply let things happen as they happened without focusing on the timeline.

On my way back from using the bathroom, I had a contraction that stopped me in the hall. As I knelt there with Adam supporting me, I started to feel emotional and began to cry. But strangely and amazingly, I was not crying from emotional exhaustion, discouragement, or pain like I remember doing during Lily's birth. If anything, it felt like I was crying because I was happy! It even brings me to tears now, to think about all of us kneeling together on the floor of our little hallway, with me asking my midwife why I was crying, and feeling so much joy and happiness that it made me laugh through my tears. She was smiling and telling me how great I was doing, and again said this emotional stage is a sign of later dilation and transition.

I decided to get in the bathtub, and then things got very intense. It was extremely difficult to keep my whole body relaxed now, but I focused with all my concentration on keeping all my birthing muscles relaxed. Adam was using all the tools we practiced to help me stay focused, and it felt like a complete team effort. I could not have done it without him. I felt powerful instead of helpless like I had during Lily's birth. Instead of this happening to me, I was doing it. I was in control and we were in it together. When Adam said "relax", I relaxed automatically. With Lily, I remember that when Adam told me to relax, I felt indignant and almost angry, since of course he had no idea what I was going through, and "how dare he tell me to relax?" When he said I was doing great, I told him he was lying, and when he said I was getting closer, I said "how do you know?" and started crying. But this time, all those things same encouraging words made me feel stronger. We were in it together, we were in control, and we were rocking this birth!

When I stood up to get out of the tub, I felt a sharp pop like a balloon bursting, and they told me my water had broken. Ellie informed me that the contractions would probably be somewhat stronger from now on, and I got a little worried. I felt like they were as strong as I could handle, and I thought if they get any stronger, I don't know how long I can do this. But the next one felt different, and STRONG, and I knew something was changing. Adam helped me to the bedroom, and then suddenly with the next one I had to push and it was unbelievably intense! With three pushes and in only 6 minutes (and a few very unearthly sounds coming from me!), our baby was born at 1:58 pm.

With a huge smile as they handed him to me, I said, "I did it!" and I felt like I had conquered the world. We did it! Then Joshua was in my arms, purple and crying and perfect. Adam cut the umbilical cord and we climbed into our own bed, and I nursed Joshua for a long time with a feeling of complete exhilaration. I was so happy! Everything I had visualized had happened exactly as I pictured, down to the time of day and the number of hours I was in labor. I didn't tear at all, and didn't have any of the extra bleeding or other problems I had after Lily's birth. The experience was not easy or pain-free, but it was amazing! I felt like I had accomplished a major physical feat, such as climbing a mountain or running a marathon. It was such as contrast to my previous experience, when I just felt beat up. This time, I had met the challenge, and came out on top!

As I have reflected on this experience, I feel like this is what birth is meant to be: a challenging, difficult, but wonderful experience. I don't think God meant it to be terrifying or horrible, but at the same time, it should be a sacrifice to do something as significant as bringing a new life into the world. Everything worthwhile in life takes effort and hard work - education, marriage, parenting, living the gospel, earning a living, learning to play an instrument. But the effort can be so meaningful and even rewarding. I learned that birth can be beautiful, meaningful, and rewarding as well.

Lily adores Joshua.

Welcome to the world baby Joshua! We are so exited to have you!

I know that not everyone can have an experience like this, although I wish they could. I can sympathize with women who have had long, very difficult and painful birthing experiences. But I hope that we can start sharing the wonderful side of birth as well so our daughters don't have to grow up mortally afraid of what they will inevitably have to endure someday. I hope my daughter can look forward to having children as a challenging, but empowering right of passage. I am so grateful for the healing and joy we were able to find through this experience, and I want to pass that on to her.

Anticipating a New Chapter

The end and the beginning are almost here! I am looking forward to the end of pregnancy, as it has gotten somewhat uncomfortable. :) And I am looking forward to having our precious baby boy here at last. I can't wait to hold him. And yet, I have a small feeling of regret. My one-on-one time with Lily is limited, and it hurts me. I wasn't expecting that. I feel for the frustration and confusion that she will likely experience at losing her status as the exclusive object of my attention. And I feel equally regretful that I will never be able to give him that level of attention. At the same time, I am so excited for them to build a relationship with each other.

Lily is very excited to meet him. It seems like we have been talking about it forever. We have read books about families having new babies, talked about how he's growing and will come out soon, discussed what we are going to do with him when he arrives, and had many conversation about Lily's status as big sister and how she is going to treat her baby brother. She knows that he will cry and sleep and drink mommy's milk, and that he can't do any of the things she does, like talk or play with toys or eat food. She talks to him, hugs my belly, and tells him that she loves him. We have sorted his clothes together, which of course she wants to wear (she actually squeezed into a pair of 3-month pants this morning!), and have looked at his little diapers and carseat. She has even seemed to accept that I am his mommy as well as hers, and that Adam is also his daddy. But I know she cannot comprehend the changes he will inevitably cause in her daily life. I hope she deals with it well and is not devastated by our affection for him. Regardless of how she reacts, I know that having a brother will eventually bless and benefit her greatly.

We have had some other changes recently. Lily is now mostly potty-trained! She went five days without an accident last week, and hasn't had an accident at night for about two weeks. We have been pleasantly surprised at this. When we told her she was a big girl and could wear princess panties now, she flatly refused to wear diapers even at night. There was nothing we could do to convince her, so we just let her wear her underwear to bed. She only had one accident at night, besides one time when she was calling for us to get her out of her crib and we took too long. Otherwise it has gone great. It sure will save us money in diapers, and it has been nice to have a 3-week break from changing them.

I also cut my hair off. It is quite short. The longest layers barely touch my shoulders, and the shortest don't even stay in a ponytail. It is shorter than I wanted it, but I like it. I just know I won't be able to handle long hair very well with baby. Plus, it's nice to have a reason to make a change once in a while. I will definitely grow it back out though. I think I will always prefer having long hair, but this is fun for now. Here are a couple pictures. Not sure why I look so fat in the second one, haha...

Adam has finished his last class required for his degree, but for some reason decided to sign up for another class anyway. It's an online class about teaching online classes. He says it's helpful, which is good I guess. Then I asked him if he is addicted to school. Seriously, are we ever going to be done? I will just keep assuming that his dissertation will get done one way or another by next summer, but I honestly don't know how that will actually happen. Shh! Don't tell him I said that! (I don't think he reads this blog; if he does, I guess I will find out soon! ;)

As for me, I have been uncontrollably nesting, and feel very satisfied at having sorted clothes, cleaned house, prepared freezer meals, etc. In my excess of nesting enthusiasm, Adam and I even reupholstered our kitchen chairs, finally. We refinished them 3 years ago and have been meaning to reupholster them ever since. They look sooo nice! :) Adam's mom arrived the end of last week and she has been immensely helpful with a few other projects, and keeping the kitchen clean (the bane of my existence!) Lily has LOVED having her here, and they have had so much fun playing together. She is fantastic with kids. My good friends Brianna and Liana threw me a very nice baby shower last weekend, and it was so fun and beautiful! The gifts and food were perfect, and instead of games, they prepared freezer meals for me! It made me realize how many wonderful, caring friends I have. I almost can't believe how many people have been willing to help and serve as this baby comes. Multiple people are coming from out of town to help us out, ward members are hosting them in their homes while they are here, many people have sent clothes and gifts, others have agreed to help out with church callings in my absence, and so many have volunteered to watch Lily after the baby arrives. I just hope I can pay it forward and serve others as much as they have served me.

Anyway, our lives will be changing very shortly. I have been having Braxton-Hicks contractions and have definitely felt pressure and things changing. I have been pretty worried the last few days because the baby rotated last week to a posterior position, and I really want him to turn back around before my labor starts. Lily was posterior for most of my pregnancy and it caused months of back pain and very difficult, painful back labor. I think she would have come much more quickly and easily if she had started in a better position. So I have been crawling around on my hands and knees and doing pelvic rocks to get him to turn around, but so far it hasn't been successful. Hopefully it happens soon, because one way or another, this baby will not be in there much longer! We are excited to meet you baby boy! :)

Becoming Daddy

November 21^st marked a very important change in my life. As I’m sure most of you who are reading this can guess, that was the day that our daughter Lily was born. I woke up in our living room a little before 4am to Christina telling me that her water had broken. In case you were wondering, I wasn’t sleeping on the couch because Christina was mad at me or anything. We had taken to sleeping in the living room because the couch was more comfortable and more supportive place to sleep for Christina’s expanded belly; I joined her because sleeping in our bed by myself was too lonely. She got the couch, I got the loveseat.

I had wondered once or twice whether what would happen if Christina went into labor in the middle of the night. Would I be alert enough to take care of everything? Would I be too tired to drive her to the birthing center? I’ll admit that I had often hoped that she would go into labor while I was at school just so that I could make a big scene and rush out of the classroom. Well I got my answer: adrenaline does amazing things to your awareness when you need it too. All of a sudden I was up and alert and running around our apartment grabbing all of our essentials—clothes, snacks, pillow, baby stuff. Fortunately I had thought ahead enough to install our car seat ahead of time. Christina’s labor progressed pretty quickly at first going from little sporadic contractions to stronger, minute-long contractions in about 30 minutes. So we grabbed all of our gear and informed our midwife that we were on our way.

I’ll skip the details of Christina’s delivery since she covered them pretty well already. So what have I learned in the last two months? Well, other than how to change a diaper, I’ve learned that this little girl has changed my life forever. It’s amazing how the littlest things she does just make my heart melt. My two favorite things in the world are holding her close to me and seeing her smile up at me. Although sometimes I wish I could live in those moments forever, it’s wonderful to know that I get to be there as she grows up. I get to be her Daddy.

Lily's Birth

Yes, this event occurred over a month ago, but I have not written anything about it until now.

What can I say? Life has been a little busy. :)

A word of caution before you begin reading: this post talks about giving birth. No, there are no indecent pictures and no extremely gory details, but if you find this sort of thing disgusting, just skip to the next post. Although as I'm sure most parents would agree, after having a baby, almost nothing seems gross.

I had Lily naturally. And it gets even more radical than that - I didn't even have her in a hospital, and I did a water birth! You may think I am crazy if you want, and I won't be offended. Maybe I am crazy. But it worked out great for us.

Why did we decide on all this unconventional hippie-like extremeness? First, I don't like hospitals. I associate them with sick people and diseases and all sorts of unhappiness - not the place I wanted a wonderful event like my daughter's birth to take place. Yes, I know the labor and delivery wards in hospitals are better than they used to be, but that didn't seem to make a dent in my stubborn aversion to them. It is also true that there are infections periodically contracted in hospitals that are not found elsewhere, like MRSA, which I did NOT want anywhere near me or my baby, since several people I know have gotten it after giving birth.

Second, when we moved here, I had some misgivings about having a baby in a place where I knew essentially nobody (we have made some friends since then, don't worry!), and I felt like I would need a lot more support with my baby than a doctor usually gives. So we found a great midwife nearby who has really been an amazing resource. Instead of 10 minutes, she spent an hour with us at every appointment. I asked her every question I could think of during our appointment, and texted her numerous other questions outside of our appointments. She even made a house call to visit me several days after the birth.

Finally, the biggest reason we chose to have Lily naturally is that we feel like it was better for her and for me. I didn't want meds being pumped into her, making her lethargic at birth. I feel that these can have lasting effects. For me, I really did not want to have a C-section. Of course, I would not object in an emergency, but I feel that they are performed much too often in hospitals. The national C-section rate is 32% in the U.S., whereas fewer than 10% of births attended by my midwife (who has overseen hundreds of births over the past 30 years) end up being transported too the hospital. Of course the C-section rate in hospitals is higher in part because all high-risk births must happen there, but since less than 10% of pregnancies are high risk, this does not account for much of the difference.

I feel that much of this difference is because of over-medicalization of birth and problems caused by the drugs routinely used in hospitals. Pitocin, for example (which is used in over 80% of U.S hospital births), creates contractions that are stronger than normal, which can lead to fetal distress. In addition, a cervix that is being forced to open before it is ready can sometimes become swollen, which stops progression and often leads to a C-section. I have had numerous friends who have told me about their C-sections which were performed simply because they weren't progressing. I did not want to have to deal with that. This article describes some of the reasons I chose not to have an epidural: http://www.adjustbacktohealth.com/articles/aa332.htm.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that all hospital birth procedures are necessarily bad or that C-sections don't save many lives that would otherwise be lost. But I just didn't feel that was the best option for us.

There were trade-offs, however. Obviously, it was hard. I was up most of the night before Lily was born with false contractions. My water broke at 4 am, and regular contractions began immediately. We arrived at the birth center at 7 am. I had spent A LOT of time practicing relaxation techniques, and with focus, I stayed somewhat comfortable until the early afternoon. But at some point, it became all I could do to remember to breathe, let alone breathe deeply and slowly. At about 4:00, I couldn't stand the suspense, and had Debbie, my midwife check my dilation, and I was at a 7 (I wanted to avoid checking if possible, since this introduces bacteria which could lead to infection if labor stops for a while or is delayed).

What a relief! It was nice to know that we were getting somewhere, although I am glad I didn't know then that it would still be almost 5 hours before it would be over. Meeting my baby just seemed like an added bonus at that point; all I could think about was "PLEASE GET THIS OVER WITH ASAP!" Over the next few hours, Adam was very wonderful and supportive, and I was not so wonderful. I yelled various things at him such as, "You did this to me!" and "Next time you get to do this part!" He readily agreed, and also made a number of promises, such as changing ALL of Lily's diapers (that didn't last too long). He was very supportive and kept telling me that I was doing great and getting close, and I kept insisting that he was lying.

But eventually, when I honestly thought it was never going to end, I started pushing. My midwife told me to slow down so I wouldn't tear, so I tried to hold things back. At one point, she let me feel the top of Lily's head, and I started to cry. That was my baby! I couldn't believe it - she was actually real! Then I was motivated. But when I finally pushed her out, it was the strangest experience of my life. Was that purple round thing in the water really my baby's head? And then, was that alien-looking thing with arms stretched out in zombie-fashion really my baby? It was surreal . . . not exactly what I had envisioned so many times during the previous nine months.

But then it was wonderful. I couldn't believe how much love I felt felt for this tiny little person. And suddenly my understanding of God's love for us expanded. I loved my daughter not for anything she had done, or because of any favorable character trait, skill, or talent. I simply loved her, and still love her, because she is mine, just as I know Heavenly Father loves all of His children. What an amazing thing to experience! I had no idea being a parent would be so beautiful.

Lily was completely alert, calm, and wide-eyed when she was born, and did not cry, except when the midwife made her cry a little in order to clear her airways. She was wide awake for several hours before sleeping, and stared at me with a piercing gaze from the moment we took her out of the water.

Now. I know what you are probably thinking: "Giving birth in a tub of water?! That sounds disgusting! I wouldn't want to be sitting in a pool of blood and nastiness!" Well, I wouldn't either! It was actually quite clean. There was almost no blood until well after she was born, and by then the tub was drained. (It was such a nice Whirlpool tub; man I want one of those at my house!)

I had some frustrating complications afterwards. Fortunately, and I hope because of lots of preparation, I did not tear. But I did have some retained placenta, which was a problem, and I lost a lot of blood so I was dizzy and could hardly sit up. At one point, because of a slight misunderstanding, my midwife said she was just going to call an ambulance to take me to the hospital. But then she realized things weren't as bad as she thought, so I didn't have to go (thank heaven!). Some pitocin resolved the retained placenta, and I started feeling better. There were some other issues that I won't describe, but I ended up having to stay awake almost all night. I was so tired!

We took Lily home the following evening. After several days at home, I noticed an intense pain in the area of my right rib. My ribs had seemed bruised around the time of Lily's birth, so I assumed one was broken. But after several weeks of no improvement, and some online research, I realized that it was gallbladder pain.

So now, after 7 weeks, I am doing a gallbladder and liver cleanse with the hopes that it will be an adequate solution to my affliction. It certainly seems to have worked - I feel MUCH better. Again, call me radical, but I am not willing to have surgery if I don't have to, plus I don't think removing your organs is generally a good idea. I think God knew what He was doing when He put them in there!

I didn't expect to still be resolving issues from giving birth almost two months later, but it is all worth it to have our precious Lily. Sometimes it makes me cry just to look at her, I love her so much. I felt for a long time as we were trying to get pregnant that a little girl was waiting to come to our family. I am so grateful that she is finally here! I do hope, however, that the next time around is a little easier! Supposedly, the first time is the hardest by far, but I guess I will have to find out (someday!). I'll cross my fingers.

Baby Lily is Here!

Well, she has finally arrived! I guess I shouldn't say finally because she came right on her due date - November 21. But it sure felt like a long time in coming to me, especially during those final weeks.

My water broke at 4 am on Monday morning and contractions began almost immediately. We arrived at the birth center at 7 am, and I finally started pushing at around 8:00 pm. Our precious Lily Diana Clark arrived on Monday night at 8:47 pm, weighing 8 pounds even. She was 20.5 inches, and was very alert, healthy, and happy from the beginning.

I had Lily naturally, but I will save that story and why we chose to do it that way for another time, since I know most of you just want see pictures. :) In short, yes, it was absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done, and yes, I will certainly do it again this way next time.

We brought Lily home on Tuesday night and have enjoyed a wonderfully quiet week getting to know her. I can never remember a quieter Thanksgiving, or one when I had so much to be thankful for. She is so perfectly precious and I am completely amazed at how overcome I am with awe and love for her. To me, she is complete proof that God exists and loves us. Something so perfect and incredible as this tiny little one could not possibly be an accident. She is a miracle, and we are so thankful to have her here.


This picture was actually taken the next morning. Due to some complications with me, I was not able to hold her very much or take pictures the night after she was born. I was also not permitted to sleep that night until about 4 am, and having only had about 3 hours of sleep the previous night (I was kept up most of Sunday night with small "practice" contractions), I was still exhausted when this picture was taken.

Oh, and we also got a cat. His name is Jack. He seems to love Lily and treats her very nicely. :)