Videos of Lily + Moving

Here are some funny videos of Lily.

Otherwise, our lives just got really crazy because we will be moving in a few weeks. I can't really say that I am excited to move. I love our apartment now, and where we are moving will be smaller and doesn't have a dishwasher. Did I ever mention that I HATE washing dishes? Well I hate washing dishes. But it will save us about $170 per month, which at this point is significant. There is also a playground right outside our door, and lots of families with little kids for Lily to play with. I know she will love it. It will probably be better for me too, since where we are now, there are mostly single students and I have never met another stay-at-home mom. That gets lonely during the day. And I won't have to carry Lily plus laundry/groceries/stroller up and down a flight of dangerous cement stairs anymore - hallelujah! 

So there will be good things, and it just feels right. But in the mean time, it means we have to pack up all our stuff which will be time consuming, to say the least. So, I guess it's adios to all those goals I made about getting things done this month, like training for a 5k and planting a garden. So long, goals! I will be packing boxes instead.

Domestic Goodies!

I started this post ages ago, but never finished it. Here are some of the cooking and sewing projects I have done recently (meaning in the past 6 months) to keep myself from going crazy!

Here is a farewell cake I made for my cousin Michael when he left on his mission to the Ukraine, hence the colors of the Ukranian flag. It's not the fanciest cake in the world, but it was an accomplishment for yours truly, since I have no experience with cake decorating whatsoever.

This was my Valentine's gift for Adam: a giant chocolate kiss, made of chocolate rice krispies with M&Ms. 

This is the Chocolate Turtle Cheesecake, which I made for Adam's birthday. It was soooo good!

And this is one of Adam's gifts, a remote control holder, which I made for his birthday. I have never sewn anything "remotely" like that before (haha), so I'm glad it turned out okay. :) Tutorial found here: http://www.sew4home.com/projects/storage-solutions/spring-clean-tidy-week-sofa-caddy.

My friend's baby was turning one, so I made him a toy and a reversible bib in honor of the occasion (I found the pattern for the bib on this website: http://www.craftinessisnotoptional.com/2011/05/bapron-tutorial.html)

I enjoyed making the baby bib so much that I made several more for baby gifts.

These are opposite sides of two matching bibs that I made for Lily and for her (self-proclaimed) best friend, a little girl in our ward who is about 5 months younger than Lily.

Well, I never would have guessed it, but I suppose I have gone and gotten "crafty." I don't know if I am going crazy or what, but I honestly hated doing crafts when I was younger. They just seemed like such a waste of time. Does it say something about my life that I am doing them now, and actually enjoying it? No, I am not less busy. I guess I just have fewer outlets for creativity now that I stay at home all day. A girl's gotta do somethin! As my mom would have said, I'm just practicing Alzheimer's prevention. :)

Grief and Comfort

It's been three weeks since I lost my mom. I haven't been avoiding writing out of distress, I have just been too busy to sit down and record my thoughts. The last three weeks certainly have not been easy. My grandma called me on Thursday, April 11 to tell me that my mom was really struggling and I needed to come out as soon as possible. So Lily and I flew out as soon as we could get to the airport, said goodbye to her the following day, and on Saturday she was gone.

Honestly, the following two weeks are a blur. I planned most of the funeral myself, since my dad was hammering out tax returns for the deadline and all my siblings were finishing their finals exams. My sister and my grandma helped, and my dad had to make a number of decisions. But I definitely kept myself completely busy with planning. I thought it would be awful, but it kept my mind off how sad I felt. And it also felt good to be able to plan everything to be just the way my mom wanted.

After the funeral, which was absolutely beautiful, I spent the following week sorting through my mom's things and dejunking/cleaning my parents' house. For the past four months, my mom had been too sick to do any housekeeping, so it was badly needed. That was also a nice distraction and it felt good to be helping my dad.  Somehow throwing stuff away is therapeutic for me sometimes. It kind of feels like getting rid of baggage from your past. Even though most of this wasn't from my past, I think I convinced myself that the less junk he had to get rid of himself, the less loss he would have to experience. That probably isn't true, but it was a good way to channel my grief.

The most prominent feeling I have had since getting back home to Oregon last Tuesday is that it just feels unreal and strange. In Utah, it was so obvious that she was gone. My whole family was there for an entire week, and she was clearly absent. Since arriving here, my life is exactly the same as it was. It feels like her death should have made more of an impact on my day-to-day existence, but apart from the glaring hole in my heart, nothing has changed. I still have to deal with Lily's pesky little "biting mommy and daddy" problem, I still have to do laundry, and plan upcoming ward choir numbers, and try to actually do some visiting teaching, and make grocery lists and go grocery shopping, and take Lily outside at least twice a day, and make dinner, and try to write about how I feel in my journal and catch up on blogging, and fit in some time for scripture study and exercising, and learn the music I have to teach the chorus at our next stake play practice.

Okay, I just feel overwhelmed. It seems like I have more to do than ever, but now I can't call my mom and talk to her about it when it feels too hard. There was one day this week when I couldn't get out of bed. I just felt depressed and I couldn't make myself get up for an hour and a half after Adam got up with Lily. I just lay in bed and let Lily destroy the room around me, grateful for her diversion. More than once that morning, my automatic response to the feeling of overwhelming sadness was "I just need to call my mom." And then, of course, after a split second, I would remind myself that that is the point of my sadness: I can't call her.

There is just something about talking to your mom that can't be replaced. I suppose some of it was because she was such an amazing, empathetic listener, and so very smart. She didn't speak idly, and when she did speak, it was always something so insightful and intelligent. I know there were many other people who loved talking to her (even besides her clients), but I think most of it is just that she was my mom. I miss saying the word "mom." I never appreciated what a privilege it was to speak that word before. The thought of not being able to have a real conversation with her for probably the next 50 years sometimes feels like more than I can deal with. Often, when a wave of grief hits me, I find myself running away from it and searching for anything to distract myself. I should try not to do that because it's probably not healthy. But it's a little scary to feel that much pain, even if I know it usually only lasts a little while.

As always, the gospel makes it possible to go on. It's incredible that I can feel so much hope and gratitude in the middle of so much grief. I honestly feel joyful to know that she is done with her test, and I know she passed with flying colors. She is happy and with her dad again, and she feels no more pain or fear! I am excited for her! And even for the rest of us who are left to face mortality, the knowledge that we will be with her again changes our situation from a permanently hopeless and devastating loss to a difficult, but temporary, separation. In fact, I have felt her presence just enough that I know I can talk to her whenever I really need to. I know she is listening, and I know she isn't really gone. I just can't see her. It isn't the same, and it still hurts terribly. But the person I know and love is still there, she has just graduated from this life. Without that knowledge, I would not be able to deal with this.

I have felt so comforted. I know she was ready to go. She was happy and at peace. It has also been touching to see how many people care about my mom, and about me. In fact, I have been surprised at how comforting it when people tell me how sorry they are, or that they have lost a parent as well and they know how hard it is. I don't think we are meant to go through things like this alone.

But most of all, as I look back over the past three weeks, I see the Lord carrying me. He has truly gotten me through this. I haven't fallen apart the way I thought I would. Of course I have my moments and hours of falling apart, but I'm still here and still breathing. For the most part, I am still even functioning, and I know it is only because of His sustaining power. Without it, I would be a hopelessly miserable mess. But He never lets me down. He didn't answer my prayers the way I wanted this time, but I know it is in His hands. I know the Lord is taking care of my mom, and I know He will take care of me. He will never leave us comfortless, but will come to us. Somehow, this plan is better than mine. I don't know why this needed to happen, but I know that God understands much better than I do, and I will still trust Him. After those next 50 or however many years, it will all seem but a small moment, and because of the sorrow I experienced, my joy will be more complete when I can be with her again.