Small Miracles

I feel so blessed. We have seen a number of large and small miracles in the past few months, and I need to record them. There are three blessings in particular that seem worthy of mentioning.

First, is the miracle that Adam only has to defend his dissertation, and he will be completely done! This honestly seemed impossible only a few months ago.

In early summer of last year, Adam and I sat down and made a schedule of how he was going to finish his dissertation by the end of this summer. He planned to finish the literature review (a summary of previous research on the subject) by the end of October, and then progress on to the next step. That did not happen by the end of October. Or November. He got stuck and encountered some roadblocks. When we were nearing the end of winter this year, and he still wasn't done, I started to panic. I knew there was still so much more to be done after the end of the literature review.

During this time, we had been trying to attend the temple every month. It had been very difficult. It is a 90+ minute drive to the Portland temple, and Joshua often cried for much of that, regardless of how we tried to distract, entertain, or console him. Then we took turns doing initiatories, and repeated the painful trip to return home. It took up an entire Saturday, and was always stressful.

At one point, I about gave up. It felt way too hard to go every month. But I prayed about it and felt that we should still go, even if we had to take turns, so only one of us could go each month. We tried that, which was easier. However, the closer we got to this summer (when his dissertation had to be finished), the more that time felt like a huge sacrifice. He was working on his paper many of the other Saturdays. But I felt impressed that if we made the sacrifice to go to the temple, Adam would be blessed to finish his dissertation by the end of the summer.

In April, he finally finished the literature review and had his proposal meeting. By this time, he already had a job offer at the University of Arizona, so we knew he absolutely had to finish by the end of the summer. He had 3 months to do what we had planned to spend 9 months on. It felt so impossible, when every other part of the process had taken more than twice as long as planned.

But of course, the Lord came through. After working almost every waking moment for several weeks, Adam finished his last draft and submitted it to his committee for review near the end of June. He has scheduled his defense for 10 days before we move, which will hopefully give him just enough time to make any changes they recommend. Since his proposal, he has encountered a few challenges, but everything has gone so much faster than we expected. Things have fallen into place and come together so well - clearly with divine assistance. Adam was able to walk at his graduation knowing that he was so close to being done. I am so grateful that we made the effort to go to the temple each month, in spite of the sacrifice, and I am grateful for the Lord's help with getting this paper done!

The second blessing we have experienced is in the form a beautiful missionary experience. One day I was outside and noticed a man watching the children play on the playground. I introduced myself and spoke with him. He hold me that he was visiting from China on a research assignment for 3 months. He mentioned how much he loves children and how he hopes to have some children of his own someday. I only spoke with him for a few minutes, but I immediately felt that he was a very good person, and that the Lord wanted me to share the gospel with him.

I invited him to participate in a barbeque with some of our neighbors, and we started talking about experiences he should have while in America. I recommended that he attend a Christian church, and invited him to come to church with us the following Sunday. He accepted, and surprisingly, came to church with us for 6 consecutive weeks before he had to return to China. Although he declined the invitation to meet with the missionaries, he downloaded the lds tools app on his phone by himself, read about church history on mormon.org, began reading the scriptures, and started talking to his wife (who was still in China) on the phone about how good he felt when he attended church. He even found out where church meetings are held in his city in China, so he could take her to them upon his return.

We answered many questions about various gospel topics, and it became clear that the Spirit was working in his life. I gave him scriptures in English and Chinese. As we got to know him better, we realized what an honest, kind, caring, good person he was. We gave him rides to church and he made delicious Chinese food for us. When he finally left, it was bittersweet. Our eyes were wet with tears, and I know it was because learning about the gospel had changed his life. Unfortunately, we learned that he would not be able to attend church meetings in China after all. But I feel strongly that someday, hopefully soon, when the gospel is available in China, he will be ready for it.

It was such a beautiful experience to see the gospel working to change someone's life. Especially for someone who had never been able to experience Christianity before, the gospel truths opened his eyes to so much he had never known and answered so many questions. I have tried to share the gospel many times, and have always met with apathy or opposition. This experience made all those worth it. I wish with all my heart that everyone in the world could enjoy the blessings of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, the way I have experienced them. I know not everyone will choose to accept it, but I feel that it is my responsibility to share it with as many as I can. I am grateful that the Lord led me to someone who was willing and receptive. I hope that someday, he can experience the fullness of the gospel in his life.

Finally, there is one other blessing that has impacted me personally. For many years, I have wanted to be more involved in music. But I have been unable to make it a significant part of my life. In college, I was part of the Latter Day Sounds choir and the BYU Vocal Jazz Ensemble, but that was the extent of my musical involvement. I auditioned for other things, but had many bad auditions. There were other times when I made it into something and just couldn't fit it into my schedule. Most frequently, I simply had to pass up opportunities because I simply didn't have time. I felt strongly that I should major in business, and had to work hard to pay tuition. After graduation, I worked full-time at a good, but stressful, job, and had two time-intensive callings. When that phase ended, I had a baby, and then another. They have kept me very busy and there has been little time for music.

I was able to take voice lessons from several teachers - a few during high school and a couple more during college. I certainly learned from them, but it always felt like I was missing something. My voice did not develop the way I hoped it would, and I always felt like I was singing under my potential. At times, my heart ached for this part of myself that was almost void from my life. I would have dreams of being involved in plays or ensembles, but usually told myself that that part of my life was over. I prayed that I would someday have opportunities I felt like I had missed, but only half believed that would happen.

The only area of my life that still involved music was my church callings. I was called as the ward choir director two separate times, and I loved that calling. I learned to direct music with my heart and soul, and I loved it. It was not what I had planned to do with my talent, but I decided that since the Lord gave me all my musical ability, I had better use it the way He wanted me to. After doing this for a while, I was asked to be involved in the music for a stake play. That was a great experience. While doing that, I met a local voice teacher who is a retired opera singer. I longed to take lessons from her, but knew I could not afford it.

Then this summer, two years later, someone suggested to me that I should take lessons from this woman. I have been doing a little work recently for my sister's business, and felt like maybe I could afford lessons for the few months until we move. I wasn't sure that would be enough time to accomplish anything. But I felt something pushing me to contact her. So I did.

I was amazed. After only two lessons, I could sing like I have never been able to sing before. She was able to pinpoint a few simple things I was not doing correctly, which no teacher has ever mentioned to me before, and it entirely changed my voice. Thankfully, there were a number of other things I was already doing correctly, so the process could go quickly. There is still much progress I can make, but I finally feel like I can access what I always knew was inside. Clearly, she is a very gifted teacher, and I am very grateful to her for sharing her talent with me. But most of all, I am grateful that as a result of my service in the church, the Lord led me to this incredible opportunity.

After my first month of lessons, I began wondering if we really had the money for this. Shortly thereafter, my former employer called and asked if I would do a project for them for the first time in 18 months. I have now finished the work, and have earned enough to pay for two months of lessons. Clearly, the Lord is mindful of what I need and has blessed me with this opportunity!

I feel so strongly that He is finally blessing me with what I want because I was willing to sacrifice for what He needed me to do for so long. Because I put my family, callings, and other priorities ahead of my personal ambitions, he has led me to someone who can help me make up for lost time. I am not predicting that I will pursue a career in music or anything (ha!), but I feel like if I auditioned for many of the things I didn't make before, I could probably get in. As an added bonus, I was randomly asked to sing the national anthem at a baseball game on the 4th of July. That was the first time I have sung anywhere other than church in many years. It was a really fun opportunity.

These would probably seem like small things to many others. But it feels like a big deal to me. The end of my patriarchal blessings states that the blessings described will be fulfilled according to my faithfulness, along with the secret desires of my heart. The secret desires of my heart revolve around music, although I often wrote them off as unimportant. But the Lord knew they were important to me. I am grateful for this opportunity, but I am even more grateful for the testimony it has been to me that God is aware of what is important to me, no matter how insignificant. He recognizes the sacrifices I have made, and He is blessing me for those sacrifices.

Obviously, our family has been blessed in many ways. As I have felt apprehensive about our move to Arizona, I keep coming back to the ways the Lord has been involved in our lives recently, and I cannot deny His hand. Even regarding our move (at the end of this month!), we have been blessed with a PERFECT job for what Adam wants, we found an affordable apartment in Adam's sister's ward (and it's twice as big as the tiny one we're in right now), we found an affordable moving company that will drive our stuff there for us, various people have offered to help us, etc. I KNOW His hand is in this, and I know it's the right place for us to go. The Lord is aware of us, and I know He will continue to bless us in Arizona just as He has blessed us in Oregon. The church is true wherever we go, and with the gospel, we can be happy regardless of whatever else happens.

My Burning Bush

I listened to a BYU devotional today given by a former professor of mine.

http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=2221

In his address, he describes an experience in which the Lord confirmed a correct decision. He told his wife, "I know it. I couldn’t be any more sure than Moses and the burning bush.” This address was, in turn, a confirmation to me from the Lord. It affected me in such a personal way that I wrote to the professor and sent him the following email:

Dear Bro Parker, 

I am a former student of yours. I believe I took your Book of Mormon class in 2005, and it had a profound influence on my life. Because of this, when I was browsing the BYU devotionals today looking for something to listen to while cutting my husband's hair, I noticed that you gave a address recently and we decided to listen to it. 

I was particularly impressed by your story about looking for a house in Tucson. I have only been to Tucson once, and I thought it was the ugliest place I had ever seen. I felt like it was sucking the life out of me, and I swore I could never live there.   

Then last week, my husband was offered a faculty teaching position at the University of Arizona. It is his first job after he will (hopefully!) finish his doctoral dissertation. We are thrilled with the offer. However, I have struggled immensely at the thought of living in Tucson, especially after residing in lush Oregon for the past four years. I have wondered if the Lord would really provide a situation for me where I could feel at home. I have prayed continuously to see the good in this opportunity and to be happy about moving there.  

Tonight, as I listened to you describe your dismay at searching unsuccessfully for a place to live amid the unfamiliar territory of desert rocks and cacti, tears began to well up in my eyes. When you described reading in the scriptures the words "Thou hast prepared a house," and then finding that house, confirmed with signs from the Lord, I had to stop cutting my husband's hair because I couldn't see through the tears. Your devotional address was the sign to me that God has a place prepared for us in Tucson, and that this is where I am supposed to go.  

Coincidence? I think not. 

Thank you for sharing this story. I hope it had meaning for many in the audience, but it felt like you were giving it just for me. It was an answer to my prayers. I will go forward in faith, knowing that the Lord is mindful of me in this situation. Thank you for being the medium through which He could send this message.

That Weak Things Might Become Strong

This past week has been a humbling experience. Someone in sacrament meeting today mentioned that their trials lately have made them keenly aware of their weaknesses. I can completely relate to that.

A week ago Friday I woke up with my back in spasms. This has happened countless times before, but never since having two kids, and never when I've had a baby. I didn't know what to do. Adam stayed home and I tried various remedies, but nothing worked. It was painful enough that I couldn't sleep at all that night, and spent a long, long night awake and in pain by myself.

Although I tried everything I could think of over the next 2 days, the spasms were still going strong Monday morning. I had gotten about 2 hours of sleep total over the course of 72 hours and I was beyond exhausted. My back hurt so bad I couldn't even hold Joshua while sitting down. Thankfully, my ward members came to my rescue. Sisters from the ward volunteered to help me, watch Lily, and bring dinner. We made it through one day and I got 4 hours of sleep that night. The next day, more people volunteered to watch the kids while I went to the chiropractor and got a massage. They gave me some exercises to do that will hopefully make a difference going forward. I also felt somewhat better afterwards and was able to sleep 8 hours on Tuesday night.

But on Tuesday morning, my back was still hurting a lot. It felt like the edge had been taken off and the muscles relaxed some, but there was still a terrible burning right in the middle of my back. A sister in my ward named Tawyna offered to help. She and her husband do natural healing, and finally I agreed to make an appointment.

I can't exactly explain what they did. They put their hands on my back and used some essential oils, and we talked through some things. It was similar to some of the things my mom learned to help with her therapy practice. Near the end of the appointment, they asked what I was thinking about. I said I was thinking about my mom because she's the only person who has ever done anything like this with me. Then I squeaked out, "I really miss her." And I started to lose it. Tawyna said, "You need to let it out." So I lay on the massage table and full-on cried for at least 15 minutes. It was actually a great relief, and in some ways a spiritual experience. And I felt so much better afterwards, physically and emotionally.

But I became keenly aware that I had done this to myself by bottling up my emotions and my stress. I knew that stress is what has caused my back to hurt this way in the past. And at some level, I was aware that I needed to deal with some things to overcome it this time. But it's so hard to work through those things that I was subconsciously avoiding it. It's also difficult because if Lily ever sees me cry, she gets very upset. So I have had lots of practice at swallowing my feelings and putting on a tough face.

I have also struggled lately with feeling very inadequate. Lately my house is always a huge mess, I am chronically late to every appointment, and I struggle to put any kind of dinner on the table. I have not been able to put near the amount of time into my callings as I used to, and I have really struggled to get up on time or exercise regularly. I have gotten upset with Lily when she has meltdowns, and have felt altogether not as effective as a parent as I would like. The stress of these things and the time constraints I constantly feel have made it extremely difficult to find opportunities to take care of myself emotionally.

Even though my back felt mostly better after "letting everything out" on Wednesday, ironically, I started feeling overwhelmed with my inability to handle my stress and emotions. I struggled with thoughts like, "Why can't I just handle things better so I don't make myself sick this way and make life so much more difficult for myself and everyone else around me?" (Like that is going to help me feel less stressed!) Finally, I was reading my scriptures one day in an effort to curb my frustration with myself, and I read this verse in the Book of Mormon:

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. (Ether 12:27)

After reading that verse, I realized something I have never realized before. If God gave me my weaknesses, there is no reason for me to feel bad about them, as long as I am working to overcome them! Of course it is important to be repentant in general, and willful disobedience is another matter. But I finally understood that God wants us to have weaknesses so we can trust Him to help us overcome them. In this process, we are compelled to depend on Him and learn humility, which we could not learn without stumbling over our own faults.

This means I can stop feeling bad about myself for struggling to deal with stress. It means I can also stop feeling bad about all the other stuff I struggle with, which is part of what causes me to feel stressed in the first place. I have a feeling that this will not eliminate all the challenges of parenthood (haha!), but hopefully it will help me to handle them in a healthier way. I certainly hope that I can learn to trust the Lord enough so that this weakness becomes a strength for me. I really admire easy-going people who can be relaxed and content regardless of their circumstances. It would be wonderful if I could be one of those people by the end of my life. In the mean time, I will try to be humble and keep practicing my yoga.

A Voice from the Dust

In the Book of Mormon, the prophet Nephi speaks of his records coming forth as a "voice from the dust" to the people of our time. God knew that what Nephi and other Book of Mormon prophets taught would be greatly beneficial to the people of our time, so He preserved their writings specifically for our benefit. Today I had an experience that felt like hearing a figurative voice from the dust, preserved especially for me.

This week we planned a camping trip, which was my mom's favorite activity. So I have been thinking a lot about her and missing her more than usual. I have also been struggling to know how to manage my life and priorities with two young children, and I have desperately craved her advice. When I was not yet two, she had my twin brothers, so she went from having one child to three. Lately I have often wondered how she even survived, and I wish I could ask her for advice. None of my siblings have children yet and all my cousins are much younger than I am, so there are few people I can talk to about the struggles of young motherhood.

Tonight as I was contemplating many conflicting priorities, and missing my mom so much, I remembered a story she wrote which was published in the Ensign sometime in the 1990s. I searched for it extensively after she died, but could never find it online, in any magazine, or in her personal records. But tonight I decided to search for it again.

Miraculously, I found it immediately after searching for her name in LDS.org: https://www.lds.org/ensign/1996/01/finding-truth-in-the-book-of-mormon?lang=eng (the last story on the page). When I saw her name highlighted in the search results, I immediately began to cry. I could hardly see through my tears as I read about how scripture reading had not been a consistently high priority for my mom until she had three children under four years of age. She finally decided to read her scriptures as her first priority for one week, and discovered that she seemed to have much more time than before and was able to accomplish everything else more easily.

Maybe someone else needed this message back in 1996, but it feels like she wrote it for me just so I could hear her "voice" tonight, 18 years later. I have not been able to ask her advice about parenting since Lily reached the difficult toddler stage (although I love this stage too!), and I have needed her wisdom so much. I don't have any letters from her, aside from some casual emails, and what I have read of her journals has not been very helpful for me. So this small story from the Ensign is like a time capsule of the wisdom she gained when she was at my stage of life.

My mom faithfully read her scriptures every day of her life that I can remember, and she taught me many times the principle of making scripture study the first priority of the day. This was a good reminder of that, but what I needed to hear most from her story was simply that it wasn't always easy for her when she was at the stage I'm at now. I'm not sure why, but for some reason it is comforting to hear that she also struggled through this part of life. Perhaps it gives me hope that even with my current faults, maybe by the time I'm 50 I can be more like she was before she died.

Maybe I just needed to read a few words she wrote since I can't call her on the phone. I know the Lord can't bring her back, as much as I wish I could be with her. But I am grateful that he preserved these words of hers to strengthen me in a time of need.

Grief and Comfort

It's been three weeks since I lost my mom. I haven't been avoiding writing out of distress, I have just been too busy to sit down and record my thoughts. The last three weeks certainly have not been easy. My grandma called me on Thursday, April 11 to tell me that my mom was really struggling and I needed to come out as soon as possible. So Lily and I flew out as soon as we could get to the airport, said goodbye to her the following day, and on Saturday she was gone.

Honestly, the following two weeks are a blur. I planned most of the funeral myself, since my dad was hammering out tax returns for the deadline and all my siblings were finishing their finals exams. My sister and my grandma helped, and my dad had to make a number of decisions. But I definitely kept myself completely busy with planning. I thought it would be awful, but it kept my mind off how sad I felt. And it also felt good to be able to plan everything to be just the way my mom wanted.

After the funeral, which was absolutely beautiful, I spent the following week sorting through my mom's things and dejunking/cleaning my parents' house. For the past four months, my mom had been too sick to do any housekeeping, so it was badly needed. That was also a nice distraction and it felt good to be helping my dad.  Somehow throwing stuff away is therapeutic for me sometimes. It kind of feels like getting rid of baggage from your past. Even though most of this wasn't from my past, I think I convinced myself that the less junk he had to get rid of himself, the less loss he would have to experience. That probably isn't true, but it was a good way to channel my grief.

The most prominent feeling I have had since getting back home to Oregon last Tuesday is that it just feels unreal and strange. In Utah, it was so obvious that she was gone. My whole family was there for an entire week, and she was clearly absent. Since arriving here, my life is exactly the same as it was. It feels like her death should have made more of an impact on my day-to-day existence, but apart from the glaring hole in my heart, nothing has changed. I still have to deal with Lily's pesky little "biting mommy and daddy" problem, I still have to do laundry, and plan upcoming ward choir numbers, and try to actually do some visiting teaching, and make grocery lists and go grocery shopping, and take Lily outside at least twice a day, and make dinner, and try to write about how I feel in my journal and catch up on blogging, and fit in some time for scripture study and exercising, and learn the music I have to teach the chorus at our next stake play practice.

Okay, I just feel overwhelmed. It seems like I have more to do than ever, but now I can't call my mom and talk to her about it when it feels too hard. There was one day this week when I couldn't get out of bed. I just felt depressed and I couldn't make myself get up for an hour and a half after Adam got up with Lily. I just lay in bed and let Lily destroy the room around me, grateful for her diversion. More than once that morning, my automatic response to the feeling of overwhelming sadness was "I just need to call my mom." And then, of course, after a split second, I would remind myself that that is the point of my sadness: I can't call her.

There is just something about talking to your mom that can't be replaced. I suppose some of it was because she was such an amazing, empathetic listener, and so very smart. She didn't speak idly, and when she did speak, it was always something so insightful and intelligent. I know there were many other people who loved talking to her (even besides her clients), but I think most of it is just that she was my mom. I miss saying the word "mom." I never appreciated what a privilege it was to speak that word before. The thought of not being able to have a real conversation with her for probably the next 50 years sometimes feels like more than I can deal with. Often, when a wave of grief hits me, I find myself running away from it and searching for anything to distract myself. I should try not to do that because it's probably not healthy. But it's a little scary to feel that much pain, even if I know it usually only lasts a little while.

As always, the gospel makes it possible to go on. It's incredible that I can feel so much hope and gratitude in the middle of so much grief. I honestly feel joyful to know that she is done with her test, and I know she passed with flying colors. She is happy and with her dad again, and she feels no more pain or fear! I am excited for her! And even for the rest of us who are left to face mortality, the knowledge that we will be with her again changes our situation from a permanently hopeless and devastating loss to a difficult, but temporary, separation. In fact, I have felt her presence just enough that I know I can talk to her whenever I really need to. I know she is listening, and I know she isn't really gone. I just can't see her. It isn't the same, and it still hurts terribly. But the person I know and love is still there, she has just graduated from this life. Without that knowledge, I would not be able to deal with this.

I have felt so comforted. I know she was ready to go. She was happy and at peace. It has also been touching to see how many people care about my mom, and about me. In fact, I have been surprised at how comforting it when people tell me how sorry they are, or that they have lost a parent as well and they know how hard it is. I don't think we are meant to go through things like this alone.

But most of all, as I look back over the past three weeks, I see the Lord carrying me. He has truly gotten me through this. I haven't fallen apart the way I thought I would. Of course I have my moments and hours of falling apart, but I'm still here and still breathing. For the most part, I am still even functioning, and I know it is only because of His sustaining power. Without it, I would be a hopelessly miserable mess. But He never lets me down. He didn't answer my prayers the way I wanted this time, but I know it is in His hands. I know the Lord is taking care of my mom, and I know He will take care of me. He will never leave us comfortless, but will come to us. Somehow, this plan is better than mine. I don't know why this needed to happen, but I know that God understands much better than I do, and I will still trust Him. After those next 50 or however many years, it will all seem but a small moment, and because of the sorrow I experienced, my joy will be more complete when I can be with her again.

A Lesson on Trials

This post probably isn't what you think. Since my mom has been battling with possibly terminal cancer, it would seem likely that this post would be about how hard things have been knowing that she could pass away. This is not that. That was the last post. It was very sad that day, when we were all sure that my mom was going to die, and thought that her last hope for treatment hadn't worked. It turned out that wasn't entirely true; she didn't come back from the cancer clinic in Mexico because they were giving up; they came back because they didn't have the resources to deal with a certain problem she was having, so they gave her some special low-dose chemo drugs and sent her back to the U.S.

The other good news is that since then, she has been to the Huntsman Cancer Clinic in SLC and got a new doctor, and all her blood tests are improving and the chemo drugs seem to be working really well. She got a treatment that allows her to breathe again and is functioning much better and may very well continue to improve. Although her situation is still serious, I consider this a miracle. I said before that I had complete faith that the Lord could still heal her, I just didn't think it very likely that He would. It looks like He is doing that, at least for the moment.

And I am so very, very completely, totally grateful. I feel blessed beyond words or expression. Maybe we just needed to be tested to the very limit to see if we would still have faith when it looked pretty sure that our prayers wouldn't be answered. I don't know. Maybe we will still lose her, but for the moment I am filled with gratitude.

But that is not what I really wanted to write about in this post. Last week was one of the saddest weeks I have ever had, contemplating saying goodbye to my mom and spending the rest of my life without her. BUT I knew exactly what to do when that storm hit. I felt like the rains came pouring down, and I thought to myself, "I have learned in seminary and Sunday school and from the scriptures and prophets that when a really hard trial comes, I should pray and turn to the Lord for comfort, and I will find His guidance and reassurance through the scriptures and the Holy Spirit." So that's what I did, and that's what happened. He was there for me, and though it didn't make me feel happy, I knew I could get through this trial no matter what. I felt comforted and strengthened, even though I was still very, very sad.

But this week has not been like that. This week has not been near as sad, but in some ways harder. It is difficult to explain why. I have been extremely lonely, which usually makes me feel depressed. I weaned Lily last weekend, which went surprisingly well, but she has had a terrible time going to sleep since then. So she stays up really late and I don't end up spending any time with Adam. She has also been waking up really early, so I don't get enough sleep and am really tired (which makes everything worse). And I have just been feeling really, really lonely. I have friends here in Corvallis, but they are busy with their own kids, jobs, families,etc, so Lily and I end up spending most of our time by ourselves. In the end, I am not sure why it's been so bad, but I have felt extremely lonely this week and it has been really hard.

It's not the end of the world. But at certain moments, I have really struggled to know what to do about it. For example, I sang in an Easter cantata yesterday with a very good stake choir, and I was really excited about the music. But no one came to see me in it. There were a few people I knew in the audience, but none of them came to see me. Adam tried to come with Lily, but she was really tired and threw a tantrum during the first number, so he had to take her out and heard hardly any of it. I didn't realize how hard it would be on me until afterwards, when I didn't have anyone to talk to. I just wanted to be able to ask one person, "So did you hear the Hosanna number? Did you like it? It was really difficult and wonderful and I was so excited that we nailed it spot on. And what about the cool gothic-like number in the middle with the awesome loud organ?" But there was no one to ask.

It just made it all the more obvious to me that I am fairly alone out here. Now, really, it shouldn't have been a big deal. Nobody came to my concert, boo-hoo. It's not like I even had a solo or anything special. But it brought to the forefront of my mind how alone I feel here, and I couldn't figure out how to overcome that feeling, which I have been fighting all week.

So, to the point of this post. I guess I realized today that sometimes the less hard trials are actually the most challenging to learn from and face with courage. When I am sitting at home feeling lonely and inadequate and depressed, I don't automatically think, "Wow, I am in the middle of the difficult trial of being at home with my daughter today, so I should pray for help from the Lord and I have complete faith that He will strengthen me." Of course, that is exactly what I should do, but it's somehow not as obvious. I am often more likely to think something along the lines of, "Why am I so depressed today? It's not like my life is that bad. I have a beautiful daughter and a wonderful husband whom I love and who love me. I have the gospel and a home to live in. I have no right to feel depressed today. There are people out there with real trials, like dying from cancer, or their spouses leaving them, or who have no food to eat. I should just be grateful I don't have any of those trials." And of course I just beat myself up over that and feel worse and it doesn't help at all.

Don't get me wrong, I do pray for help and strength in these times, but I don't think it's with the same kind of faith. In the depth of my sorrow last week, I knew what to say: "Please let my mom be healed, but if not, I will still have faith in your plan, and I know that whatever happens is Thy will." I was heartbroken at the thought of losing her, but I knew without a doubt that God would never leave me alone in dealing with something of that magnitude. When it's something like feeling depressed, or disappointed, or inadequate, sometimes I don't even know what to say. In fact, sometimes I even feel like prefacing my prayers with, "Please forgive me for being so unhappy about this when it really shouldn't be a big deal."

Now, please don't think I am saying that my little trial of being lonely sometimes is actually harder than losing a loved one, or any number of other super hard trials that many have gone through. But sometimes it is harder for me to know how to face smaller trials or how to learn from them. Does that sound like the pride cycle? We don't remember that we need the Lord until He gives us something really, really difficult and then we suddenly remember that we can't do it alone. I don't think someone who is "cursed" with riches and fame would easily remember to get on their knees daily to beg and plead with the Lord to help them get through one day of worldly comfort without pride. Although that kind of trial certainly doesn't feel harder, it may ultimately be harder to learn from. If the point of this life is to learn and grow, then perhaps those are the hardest trials.

Maybe it's like preparing for a licensing exam. You could take several really, really hard classes in college and know without a doubt that if you passed those, you would pass the exam. Alternatively, you could take the easiest classes possible and then study on your own for the exam, but you would have to be entirely self-motivated, with no sure way to tell if you are ready or not. In that way, the self-study option almost seems harder even though in the moment it certainly doesn't feel harder.

I am not saying that I would rather go through really hard trials than the ones I am experiencing. Maybe I just need to acknowledge on a more regular basis that the hard things I experience regularly are legitimate, and that I truly do need the Lord every hour, even if it's just to get through spending the afternoon by myself.

Christmas and So Much More

Well, it's been a while, but for good reason. The past two months have been INCREDIBLY busy! We went to visit my family in Utah for Christmas, which was very fun. We also got to see Adam's family. Lily had a lot of fun with her grandparents, aunts and uncles, her cousin Amelia, and ESPECIALLY the cats and dog at my parents' house. She is a super-fan of cats and dogs, and chasing kittens around pushed her to complete confidence in walking. We went sledding, visited temple square, tromped around in the snow, visited friends, shoveled A LOT, and just had a great time. Here are some pictures from our trip:

Chocolate face! Lily takes after her Nanna in her affinity for CHOCOLATE!

This was Lily's first experience with snow. She was much more impressed with the dog than with the snow, however.

Lily and Daddy exercising on Grandpa's rowing machine:

Sledding with Nanna and Daddy!

Lily and me on the Sunday before Christmas. Isn't she so cute in the dress I made for her? :)

Our visit to temple square:

Christmas Eve with Adam's family:

Lily and her cousin, Amelia had fun dancing and twirling (and sitting on the floor) in their Christmas dresses.

Lily with her Grandpa on Christmas morning:

Visiting with our good friends the Lees.

I stayed in Utah for two weeks after Adam left, which was hard. I hate being apart, but it was for good reason. My mom has been quite sick from the treatments she is doing for breast cancer, and she really can't be alone. She needed someone to be there to take care of her, and I was the most available person for the job. I think my parents really loved having Lily there for a while. 

It was hard to watch my mom struggling with her health, but at the same time, I have not been burdened with worry about her. Since she was diagnosed with cancer four years ago, I have always felt peace about it. My dad has given her multiple blessings, and all say she will fully recover, and I have complete faith that it will happen. In all the years I was growing up, my dad never gave a blessing that did not come to pass, regardless of how small or miraculous. I know he takes the priesthood power seriously, and I know the Lord makes good on His promises. Even if my mom does not recover, however, the peace I have felt so far has been reassuring to me that God can grant us peace and comfort even in difficult circumstances. It was actually wonderful to be there with her and take care of her when she has dedicated so many years of her life to taking care of others, between raising her children and helping people improve their lives through her therapy practice. I love my parents so much and am grateful for the opportunity to spend a few weeks with them, since it will be many months until I see them again.

Here are a few more pictures from our time in Utah during January. Lily really came to love her aunt Lisa, who doted on Lily during our visit.

Lily also came to love Kitty, my family's cat, but unfortunately the affection was not returned. Kitty's attention to Lily consisted only of some growls and a few scratches! Ouch!

Love you so much Grandpa and Grandma! Thanks to all our friends and family for a wonderful Christmas and a fun visit!

The Atonement's Power to Change Us

I was asked to speak in sacrament meeting last Sunday on the atonement. Since I didn't get a chance to write anything last week about Easter, I thought I could at least share the information from my talk. It's a week late, but the atonement is applicable every day of our lives.

Easter is a celebration of the most important events in history: Christ's infinite atonement and resurrection for all mankind, which give all of us hope for a future of progression and eternal life, when we would otherwise be hopelessly lost. Although it is impossible to comprehend the scope of the savior's atonement for us, we do know the three main purposes for the atonement:

• First, Christ's atonement redeems all mankind from the fall of Adam, and allows us to overcome mortal death and be resurrected after this life. In the typical Christian sense of the word, all of us, except the few sons of perdition, will be “saved” in heaven, unconditionally.
  
• Second, out of pure love, Christ suffered all the pain and sorrow we will ever experience during mortal life, allowing him to empathize with us perfectly and comfort us in a way no one else could.
  
• Third, Christ suffered to pay the price for our so that we can be forgiven.
  

Acts 13:30 And by him all that believe are justified from all things, from which ye could not be justified by the law of Moses.

We are justified (declared innocent) from sins when we repent. We must be clean to dwell in the presence of God. But this is not all that is required to inherit the Celestial Kingdom. We also must change, or become sanctified.

D&C 20:30 And we know that justification through the grace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is just and true;

31. And we know also, that sanctification through the grace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is just and true, to all those who love and serve God with all their mights, minds, and strength.

 Justification and sanctification both happen through grace.

Moroni 10:32 Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God.

 33 And again, if ye by the grace of God are perfect in Christ, and deny not his power, then are ye sanctified in Christ by the grace of God.

I thought this was a chronological list, but I have realized that it is actually a definition. When we are perfect in Christ, and deny not his power, then we have become sanctified through His grace. So sanctification is the process of coming unto Christ and being perfected in Him, or in other words, becoming perfect like He is. 

“By the grace of God” appears three times in these verses – this process of change happens through the atonement.

Elder Bruce C. Hafen wrote:

“I once wondered if those who refuse to repent but who then satisfy the law of justice by paying for their own sins are then worthy to enter the celestial kingdom. The answer is no. The entrance requirements for celestial life are simply higher than merely satisfying the law of justice. For that reason, paying for our sins will not bear the same fruit as repenting of our sins. Justice is a law of balance and order and it must be satisfied, either through our payment or his. But if we decline the Savior's invitation to let him carry our sins, and then satisfy justice by ourselves, we will not yet have experienced the complete rehabilitation that can occur through a combination of divine assistance and genuine repentance. Working together, those forces have the power permanently to change our hearts and our lives, preparing us for celestial life.”(The Broken Heart [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1989], 149; emphasis in original).

No matter what we do, it is not possible for us to meet the demands of justice in this life. And that has already been done by Christ. To be justified from our sins, all we need to do (and all we can do) is repent. But, as it says in Helaman 5:7, “faith and repentance bringeth a change of heart.” When the people of Mosiah had this type of change of heart, they had “no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually.” This is where we are trying to get to in this life. We can't avoid sin, but we can increase in our desire for good, and grow in our love for God.

Think for a moment about what it would be like if the justifying power of the atonement applied to everyone without requiring repentance, and we were all automatically forgiven of our sins. We would have no reason to change. We would all someday stand before God being clean, but still with the hearts and desires of the natural man, and unfit to live in the Celestial Kingdom. God loves us so much more than that! Christ paid the incredible price so that we can have the opportunity to get this education called life, and learn and grow and change. Without a change of heart, we could never become like Him and could never have eternal life. But when our hearts are pure and we desire righteousness, we are on the path to Celestial glory, even though we we all still make mistakes frequently.

Brad Wilcox gave a wonderful devotional at BYU last year called “His Grace is Sufficient”:

I have born-again Christian friends who say to me, “You Mormons are trying to earn your way to heaven.”

I say, “No, we are not earning heaven. We are learning heaven. We are preparing for it. We are practicing for it.”

They ask me, “Have you been saved by grace?”

I answer, “Yes. Absolutely, totally, completely, thankfully—yes!”

Then I ask them a question that perhaps they have not fully considered: “Have you been changed by grace?” They are so excited about being saved that maybe they are not thinking enough about what comes next. They are so happy the debt is paid that they may not have considered why the debt existed in the first place. Latter-day Saints know not only what Jesus has saved us from but also what He has saved us for. … While many Christians view Christ’s suffering as only a huge favor He did for us, Latter-day Saints also recognize it as a huge investment He made in us. Grace isn’t just about being saved. It is also about becoming like the Savior.”

So, are we being changed by grace? Are we allowing the Savior's sacrifice to help us become better people?

Elder Hafen wrote, “The great Mediator asks for our repentance not because we must ‘repay’ him in exchange for his paying our debt to justice, but because repentance initiates a developmental process that, with the Savior’s help, leads us along the path to a saintly character.”

I think the words, “with the Savior's help” are very important in this quote. We are not required or expected to change ourselves by ourselves, and it would be impossible. The Savior's atonement not only allows Him to forgive us of our sins, but to help us become better people. The Savior paid the price for sin so we could be forgiven of those sins. He suffered our pains and sorrow so he could understand us and help us overcome our pains and sorrow. He also suffered our temptations, so He could help us overcome them, and ultimately become perfect. In this month's Ensign, Elder Bednar gives a message about how the Atonement helps us progress. He says:

“We may mistakenly believe we must make the journey from good to better and become a saint all by ourselves, through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline, and with our obviously limited capacities.

The gospel of the Savior is not simply about avoiding bad in our lives; it also is essentially about doing and becoming good. And the Atonement provides help for us to overcome and avoid bad and to do and become good. Help from the Savior is available for the entire journey of mortality—from bad to good to better and to change our very nature.”

What a merciful gospel this is! When the Savior asks us to become perfect, as He is, He's not asking us to do it alone, since that would not be possible. He's provided the atonement so that, as Mosiah said, “our hearts [can be] changed by faith on His name.” Notice that Mosiah does not say we must change our own hearts, but says in the passive voice “our hearts are changed.” We know that “the natural man is an enemy to God”, and because of that, we don't have the power to overcome our natural, carnal natures by ourselves. But if we “yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit” and allow a mighty change to be wrought in our hearts, as it was wrought in the heart of Alma, we can “become a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and become as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”

Our responsibility, according to these verses, is to yield to the Spirit (or in other words, follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost), and allow a change to be wrought in us. Christ wants to change us. His atonement has the power to change us. Our sincere effort, faith, and obedience is required in this process. But with Christ, our efforts are magnified to let us progress many times more than we could ever progress by ourselves.

The Bible dictionary entry under grace states,

“It is ... through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means. This grace is an enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts. 

Sometimes it feels that Christ's admonition to become perfect is so overwhelming that we can never achieve it.We must remember that the reason Christ paid for our sins is because He expects us to make mistakes. The important thing is to keep trying to become closer to Him so we can accept His help as we try to improve.

Stephen Robinson, in his book “Believing Christ,” tells a story he calls 'The parable of the Bicycle”:

His daughter asked him if she could have a bike and he replied, “"You save all your pennies, and pretty soon you'll have enough for a bike." A few weeks later, he noticed her putting a few coins in a jar and asked what she was doing. She replied,"You promised me that if I saved all my pennies, pretty soon I'd have enough for a bike. And, Daddy, I've saved every single one of them."

He describes, “My heart melted. She was doing everything in her power to follow my instructions. I hadn't actually lied to her. If she saved all of her pennies she would eventually have enough for a bike, but by then she would want a car. Because I love her, I said, "Let's go downtown and look at bikes.”

So after looking for a while, she found the bike she wanted. “But when she saw how much it cost, her face fell and she started to cry. She said, "Oh Dad, I'll never have enough for a bicycle."

So I said, "Sarah, how much do you have?"

She answered, "Sixty-one cents."

He said, "I'll tell you what. You give me everything you've got and a hug and a kiss, and the bike is yours."

This story is not about justification. It's not like we have to try to keep all the commandments perfectly, and if we mess up then Christ will step in and make up the difference. We have already fallen, and Christ has already paid the whole debt. This story is about sanctification. When it comes to changing our natures, the parable about the bicycle makes perfect sense. We put in our 61 cents of effort to change our hearts and Christ will bring us the rest of the way. 

Still, sometimes our mistakes and trials make even the 61 cents-worth of effort seem impossible.

Christ says in Matthew chapter 11 “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

When I read this scripture, I imagine the impossibly heavy load we bring upon ourselves as soon as we sin. We are incapable of removing the burden, and it is so heavy that we cannot move or progress while it is pressing down upon us. Because Christ is perfect, the justification of the atonement removes this burden of sin from us. Without the heavy load, we are then able to move and grow and progress in the gospel and become the kind of people who are capable of someday living in the celestial kingdom. This is the sanctification provided by the atonement.

I have felt the atonement of Christ working in my life, and I have felt Him carry my burdens when I felt like I couldn't go any further. I know He will be there for each of us whenever we are in need, and that He can make it possible for us to become the kind of people we ultimately want to be.

Life is an Education

I have heard many times that life is a test. But I have come to the conclusion that it's less of a test and more of an education. The point is less to get all the answers right than it is to learn. There is no grading scale that says "80% right choices or above=Celestial Kingdom, 60-80%=Terrestrial Kingdom," etc. I feel that is sometimes how we live the gospel, and when we feel like we are no longer living the commandments at an A level, we shame ourselves into feeling like we're not good enough and we'll never make it.

It is true that the tests are important. We do need to keep the commandments as well as we can, with sincere effort, but God expects us to make mistakes. That is the purpose of Jesus Christ's atonement - so we can repent. Even if we are getting answers wrong all day every day, Christ is always willing to teach us the right answers and let us go back and fix our mistakes. Because the point isn't to get everything right: the point is to learn and to change.

My family might laugh if they read this because they how much of a perfectionist I was in college. I am not sure I realized it then, but college is more about learning and becoming someone than just passing the tests (educational flaws and poor teaching styles aside). Job descriptions often require a degree, regardless of what the degree is in, to even apply for the position. That's because simply going to college, and graduating without dropping out, helps to change us into the kind of hard-working, committed people who will be able to succeed in a demanding full-time job. All those nights of staying up late and studying for tests when the stress was high prove, cumulatively, to our prospective employers that we are willing to stay up late and work over the weekend to finish a project, or that we have learned how to do high-quality work that will be good enough for their clients (Does this give you any insight into my last job as a project manager? Maybe I should broaden my examples a little . . .). Our education also gives us the knowledge we need to succeed in the Real World.

I'm sure there are people who cheat their way through college and do get all the answers right, but don't learn anything and don't stay up late studying for tests. They get the grade but they miss the process, when the process is the important part. The process is what gives us the knowledge and the work ethic that will make us top-notch employees.

Such is life, I believe. We are not just trying to get the answers right. The point is to learn, develop, and change enough to become the kind of people who will be able to succeed in a Celestial world (or at least get on the right track; I believe there will be lots of continuing education provided after this life). As much as I hated homework and research papers and studying, they were necessary in order to learn, just like trials and temptations are necessary for us to learn. It is true that the more we learn, the more answers we get right. But we don't have to get 100%. In fact, we don't even have to pass every test - we just have to make sure to go to the Teacher and discuss the answers we get wrong so we can learn from our mistakes.

So the next time I feel like the stress is getting to me - like I've been up all night and I'm still not getting it - I should remember that the fact that I'm studying for the test in the first place means I'm already on the right track. And it never hurts to meet with the Instructor for a little one-on-one tutoring. He is always available and He is always willing to help.

It doesn't get better than this

I can't believe my daughter's age is now measured in months instead of weeks! The time has flown by, but I know my life could never be the same again without her.

It is funny to look back at all the things I didn't know before having her. I didn't know I would love being a mother so much. I was afraid of spending all my time alone just taking care of a baby. But I am not just taking care of a baby, I am spending my time with beautiful Lily, who is such a unique and wonderful person! I have gotten to know her so well. All the little things about her that make her who she is are so endearing to me, like the way she scrunches up her face and pushes her head forward like she is trying to do sit-ups whenever she needs to burp, or how big her eyes get when she gazes in wonder at the trees and the sky every time we go for a walk. I love the way she suddenly stops fussing when I am changing her diaper and smiles at me with a huge, toothless grin, or the sleepy, contented look in her eyes when she is finished with a meal and looks up at me as if to say "thanks mom" before falling asleep. I am sure none of these things are unique to my baby, but they are special to me because I know what they mean and how they make up her personality. If I saw another baby doing the same things, they would be cute, but they wouldn't mean anything to me.

I never realized that someone so tiny could be so alive and have so much personality. I guess those are things you can only learn by spending all your time with a baby. I can't help but think when I look at her that even though her body may be small and helpless at the moment, she is an intelligent and good person and already learned many things in her previous life, and made the choice to come to this earth. In fact, there is definitely the possibility that she is more intelligent and more knowledgeable than I am. It is simply my responsibility to remind her of what she already knows and give her the resources to accomplish the mission she was committed to before she came here. Wow, what a huge responsibility!

I also have this funny feeling that I already knew her. I keep having the thought that we are friends, which is different than the feeling of loving my baby daughter. Almost two years ago, I had the strong impression that there was a little girl waiting to come to our family. I knew, throughout the pregnancy, that she was a girl, and I also felt (after a certain point) that her name should be Lily instead of various other names we liked. I don't know if it is always like that, or even usually that way, but I don't think this is the first time we have gotten to know each other. I hope I can give her the kind of life I will be proud of and she can be grateful for, when we someday know each other again as old friends.

Other things I have learned about myself in new motherhood: I am still unnecessarily afraid of change. As with seemingly every other change in my life, I was so afraid of this one. Even after the many, many months of painfully longing to become pregnant, once it happened I was so afraid that it would take away all the good things I already had. Once again, I have learned that a sacrifice is a sacrifice because it is worth it. Yes, I gave up a few things, like my job, my flexibility, my efficiency, my ability to go anywhere without a HUGE hassle (and enough "luggage" that I feel like I'm going on a week vacation). But I love Lily so much more than any of that. And the most important things in my life, the gospel and my relationship with Adam, have only meant more to me and gotten better now that they are complemented by having a baby.  

I wish, I wish, I wish every person in the world could have this amazing experience! I do understand why some people don't want to, but if they only knew how wonderful it is to love someone so much and have them love you back for no reason other than that they belong to you! She doesn't have to do a single thing to mean the world to me. It's amazing how giving love, even more than receiving it, is what makes us truly happy. And I have found no better way to give love than to have a baby. It doesn't seem like having a baby  makes everyone happy, but it has certainly made me happier than I have ever been before.

Now, I won't lie - as any parents know, it's not all as easy as pie, not that making pie is easy for me (although I'm pretty good at eating it). There are frustrating things about living with a baby, like the day last week when I tried all day long to take a shower (because I hadn't gotten one the day before!), and it didn't happen until 10:00 in the evening, or the time she spit up in the middle of the night, missing all the strategically placed protective burp cloths and towels and projecting directly onto our sheets. It is not my first choice activities when she decides she wants to have 2 am play time after her midnight snack instead of going back to sleep, and of course, she always insists on being hungry every time we are walking out the door, regardless of how many times I have fed (or tried to feed) her in the hour before we have to leave.

Of course, I have learned some new skills. I am getting really good at typing with one hand (yes, I wrote this whole blog post whilst nursing Lily), driving while reaching into the back seat to hold a pacifier in Lily's mouth, and cooking dinner without being able see the counter-top directly in front of me for the baby strapped to my chest. But in spite of the inconveniences, life has been so wonderful since she arrived. Those things are all so small in comparison to how wonderful it is to have her. I think my thoughts about how my life has changed since having a baby are summed up well in the words of Brad Paisley:

Just when I start thinking it's as good as it can get.
This crazy life does something just to let me know 
I haven't seen anything yet. 
And I said to myself,
"It doesn't get better than this.
No, it doesn't get better than this."

But it did.