Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, right? Well, now I have admitted it to the whole world. Or at least everyone who reads this blog, which is not that many. But hopefully this will create some accountability in my own head. So here are a few thoughts regarding what I have found that will hopefully help me start an uphill climb to overcome my perfectionism!
7 Points to Help Overcome My Perfectionism
If God intentionally gave me my weaknesses, I don't need to feel bad about them! If I can humble myself and have faith in Him, He will turn my weaknesses into strengths. (Ether 12:27)
2 - God's grace is sufficient
No one can be perfect through sheer grit and determination. Only through the grace of God can He eventually guide us to that outcome (and not in this life!). We simply must trust that as long as we have faith and keep walking in the right direction on the straight and narrow path, His grace IS SUFFICIENT to make up the difference. That is what faith and hope mean! So I can stop trying to do it all myself. (See Brad Wilcox, "His Grace is Sufficient")
3 - I am imperfect and worthy of love
I do not need to earn anyone's love or approval by being perfect. Honest vulnerability, not being perfect, will help me become close to others and feel loved. ("The Power of Vulnerability") That is the reason I am posting this on my blog. Surprise, surprise world - I am not perfect! Now that the cat's out of the bag (yeah, right!), hopefully I can give up trying to convince everyone that I am perfect.
4 - No comparing!
I do not need to compare myself (or my accomplishments) to anyone, ever. Especially to other moms. I often measure my "effectiveness" by comparing myself to people whose circumstances are much different than mine. Without a dishwasher, it is impossible for me to keep my kitchen as clean as it would be if I had one. I don't have near as much time to get things done as I would if Lily took a nap every day, or even most days. And I suppose it's highly possible that even if I had those luxuries, I still wouldn't get near as much done as I think I would.
Regardless of my situation, it is always damaging to compare myself to others. So, as much as I admire moms who post photos of their picture-perfect spiral french braid hairstyles, or birthday cakes that look like prize-winning sculptures, or homemade-but-professional-looking domestic decor that changes with every holiday season, or perfectly coordinated and themed family Halloween costumes, I DO NOT HAVE TO BE THAT PERSON!!! And I do not need to feel bad or second-rate about not being that person. Everyone, no matter how perfect they appear online (see Brad Paisley, "So Much Cooler Online"), struggles and faces challenges. Most importantly, we are all of equal infinite worth to God, no matter what we do. I am of value because I am a daughter of God.
5 - Conquer by Surrendering
Surrendering to my own imperfection will help me overcome my perfectionism! "Perfection is about controlling the outcome in order to receive love and acceptance. It’s all about fear. Surrender is about accepting where we are at in any moment, knowing that we are a work in progress." I am going to be okay with having dinner at 7:30 (like we did tonight), or passing some days without playing outside, or letting Lily watch 2 movies in one day when circumstances require. I will be okay with bottled pasta sauce, and letting Lily run around the house buck naked while I am nursing Joshua, and not updating the main picture on my blog for two entire years (and one additional family member), and going two full weeks without giving Joshua a bath (there, I said it - breathe!). Even when things happen that I don't prefer, I will accept and love myself anyway. Doing this will help me to remain calm with my children, because their actions will not threaten how I view my own parenting.
6 - Be Kind to Myself
7 - Take Preventative Measures
Breathe deeply. Pray. Read scriptures. Do yoga. Exercise. But don't feel bad when I don't!
P.S. Bonus #8 - Gratitude!
It occurred to me this morning that gratitude is a very important piece of this puzzle. Whenever I am focused on being grateful for how I have been blessed, I spend less time feeling inadequate and unhappy. It is easier for me to focus on others instead of criticizing myself.
And I am so very blessed! I feel particularly grateful for my testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, for my wonderful marriage to an incredible, loving, and forgiving husband who really does a lot to help me, and my two precious, adorable children. I am grateful for our good health, for our relatively small amount of debt for all our years of school, for my great and supportive friends and ward members. I am thankful for a home to live in and food to eat. I am grateful that the parking lot and laundry building are so much closer than they were in our last apartment, and I'm grateful that Lily has good friends to play with and a playground almost right outside our door. What huge blessings!
When I think about my mom having 3 children under the age of 2 when my brothers were born, I realize how easy I have things. Or two of my friends, both young moms, who have recently had strokes, or parents who unselfishly raise children with disabilities. Or when I think about anyone struggling in a difficult marriage, or single parents, or anyone who has ever lost their spouse or a child, I remember that I am so very blessed! My heart goes out to those who want to find an eternal companion, but haven't been able to, or those who desperately long for children, or those whose children have made wrong choices, or anyone struggling with an addiction.
My challenges seem so insignificant compared to what they could be. The Lord has truly blessed me abundantly. Gratitude will fill my heart with joy and will leave no room for feelings of inadequacy. I will be happy because I am grateful!
P.S. Bonus #8 - Gratitude!
It occurred to me this morning that gratitude is a very important piece of this puzzle. Whenever I am focused on being grateful for how I have been blessed, I spend less time feeling inadequate and unhappy. It is easier for me to focus on others instead of criticizing myself.
And I am so very blessed! I feel particularly grateful for my testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, for my wonderful marriage to an incredible, loving, and forgiving husband who really does a lot to help me, and my two precious, adorable children. I am grateful for our good health, for our relatively small amount of debt for all our years of school, for my great and supportive friends and ward members. I am thankful for a home to live in and food to eat. I am grateful that the parking lot and laundry building are so much closer than they were in our last apartment, and I'm grateful that Lily has good friends to play with and a playground almost right outside our door. What huge blessings!
When I think about my mom having 3 children under the age of 2 when my brothers were born, I realize how easy I have things. Or two of my friends, both young moms, who have recently had strokes, or parents who unselfishly raise children with disabilities. Or when I think about anyone struggling in a difficult marriage, or single parents, or anyone who has ever lost their spouse or a child, I remember that I am so very blessed! My heart goes out to those who want to find an eternal companion, but haven't been able to, or those who desperately long for children, or those whose children have made wrong choices, or anyone struggling with an addiction.
My challenges seem so insignificant compared to what they could be. The Lord has truly blessed me abundantly. Gratitude will fill my heart with joy and will leave no room for feelings of inadequacy. I will be happy because I am grateful!
