Anticipating a New Chapter

The end and the beginning are almost here! I am looking forward to the end of pregnancy, as it has gotten somewhat uncomfortable. :) And I am looking forward to having our precious baby boy here at last. I can't wait to hold him. And yet, I have a small feeling of regret. My one-on-one time with Lily is limited, and it hurts me. I wasn't expecting that. I feel for the frustration and confusion that she will likely experience at losing her status as the exclusive object of my attention. And I feel equally regretful that I will never be able to give him that level of attention. At the same time, I am so excited for them to build a relationship with each other.

Lily is very excited to meet him. It seems like we have been talking about it forever. We have read books about families having new babies, talked about how he's growing and will come out soon, discussed what we are going to do with him when he arrives, and had many conversation about Lily's status as big sister and how she is going to treat her baby brother. She knows that he will cry and sleep and drink mommy's milk, and that he can't do any of the things she does, like talk or play with toys or eat food. She talks to him, hugs my belly, and tells him that she loves him. We have sorted his clothes together, which of course she wants to wear (she actually squeezed into a pair of 3-month pants this morning!), and have looked at his little diapers and carseat. She has even seemed to accept that I am his mommy as well as hers, and that Adam is also his daddy. But I know she cannot comprehend the changes he will inevitably cause in her daily life. I hope she deals with it well and is not devastated by our affection for him. Regardless of how she reacts, I know that having a brother will eventually bless and benefit her greatly.

We have had some other changes recently. Lily is now mostly potty-trained! She went five days without an accident last week, and hasn't had an accident at night for about two weeks. We have been pleasantly surprised at this. When we told her she was a big girl and could wear princess panties now, she flatly refused to wear diapers even at night. There was nothing we could do to convince her, so we just let her wear her underwear to bed. She only had one accident at night, besides one time when she was calling for us to get her out of her crib and we took too long. Otherwise it has gone great. It sure will save us money in diapers, and it has been nice to have a 3-week break from changing them.

I also cut my hair off. It is quite short. The longest layers barely touch my shoulders, and the shortest don't even stay in a ponytail. It is shorter than I wanted it, but I like it. I just know I won't be able to handle long hair very well with baby. Plus, it's nice to have a reason to make a change once in a while. I will definitely grow it back out though. I think I will always prefer having long hair, but this is fun for now. Here are a couple pictures. Not sure why I look so fat in the second one, haha...

Adam has finished his last class required for his degree, but for some reason decided to sign up for another class anyway. It's an online class about teaching online classes. He says it's helpful, which is good I guess. Then I asked him if he is addicted to school. Seriously, are we ever going to be done? I will just keep assuming that his dissertation will get done one way or another by next summer, but I honestly don't know how that will actually happen. Shh! Don't tell him I said that! (I don't think he reads this blog; if he does, I guess I will find out soon! ;)

As for me, I have been uncontrollably nesting, and feel very satisfied at having sorted clothes, cleaned house, prepared freezer meals, etc. In my excess of nesting enthusiasm, Adam and I even reupholstered our kitchen chairs, finally. We refinished them 3 years ago and have been meaning to reupholster them ever since. They look sooo nice! :) Adam's mom arrived the end of last week and she has been immensely helpful with a few other projects, and keeping the kitchen clean (the bane of my existence!) Lily has LOVED having her here, and they have had so much fun playing together. She is fantastic with kids. My good friends Brianna and Liana threw me a very nice baby shower last weekend, and it was so fun and beautiful! The gifts and food were perfect, and instead of games, they prepared freezer meals for me! It made me realize how many wonderful, caring friends I have. I almost can't believe how many people have been willing to help and serve as this baby comes. Multiple people are coming from out of town to help us out, ward members are hosting them in their homes while they are here, many people have sent clothes and gifts, others have agreed to help out with church callings in my absence, and so many have volunteered to watch Lily after the baby arrives. I just hope I can pay it forward and serve others as much as they have served me.

Anyway, our lives will be changing very shortly. I have been having Braxton-Hicks contractions and have definitely felt pressure and things changing. I have been pretty worried the last few days because the baby rotated last week to a posterior position, and I really want him to turn back around before my labor starts. Lily was posterior for most of my pregnancy and it caused months of back pain and very difficult, painful back labor. I think she would have come much more quickly and easily if she had started in a better position. So I have been crawling around on my hands and knees and doing pelvic rocks to get him to turn around, but so far it hasn't been successful. Hopefully it happens soon, because one way or another, this baby will not be in there much longer! We are excited to meet you baby boy! :)

Life is an Education

I have heard many times that life is a test. But I have come to the conclusion that it's less of a test and more of an education. The point is less to get all the answers right than it is to learn. There is no grading scale that says "80% right choices or above=Celestial Kingdom, 60-80%=Terrestrial Kingdom," etc. I feel that is sometimes how we live the gospel, and when we feel like we are no longer living the commandments at an A level, we shame ourselves into feeling like we're not good enough and we'll never make it.

It is true that the tests are important. We do need to keep the commandments as well as we can, with sincere effort, but God expects us to make mistakes. That is the purpose of Jesus Christ's atonement - so we can repent. Even if we are getting answers wrong all day every day, Christ is always willing to teach us the right answers and let us go back and fix our mistakes. Because the point isn't to get everything right: the point is to learn and to change.

My family might laugh if they read this because they how much of a perfectionist I was in college. I am not sure I realized it then, but college is more about learning and becoming someone than just passing the tests (educational flaws and poor teaching styles aside). Job descriptions often require a degree, regardless of what the degree is in, to even apply for the position. That's because simply going to college, and graduating without dropping out, helps to change us into the kind of hard-working, committed people who will be able to succeed in a demanding full-time job. All those nights of staying up late and studying for tests when the stress was high prove, cumulatively, to our prospective employers that we are willing to stay up late and work over the weekend to finish a project, or that we have learned how to do high-quality work that will be good enough for their clients (Does this give you any insight into my last job as a project manager? Maybe I should broaden my examples a little . . .). Our education also gives us the knowledge we need to succeed in the Real World.

I'm sure there are people who cheat their way through college and do get all the answers right, but don't learn anything and don't stay up late studying for tests. They get the grade but they miss the process, when the process is the important part. The process is what gives us the knowledge and the work ethic that will make us top-notch employees.

Such is life, I believe. We are not just trying to get the answers right. The point is to learn, develop, and change enough to become the kind of people who will be able to succeed in a Celestial world (or at least get on the right track; I believe there will be lots of continuing education provided after this life). As much as I hated homework and research papers and studying, they were necessary in order to learn, just like trials and temptations are necessary for us to learn. It is true that the more we learn, the more answers we get right. But we don't have to get 100%. In fact, we don't even have to pass every test - we just have to make sure to go to the Teacher and discuss the answers we get wrong so we can learn from our mistakes.

So the next time I feel like the stress is getting to me - like I've been up all night and I'm still not getting it - I should remember that the fact that I'm studying for the test in the first place means I'm already on the right track. And it never hurts to meet with the Instructor for a little one-on-one tutoring. He is always available and He is always willing to help.

It doesn't get better than this

I can't believe my daughter's age is now measured in months instead of weeks! The time has flown by, but I know my life could never be the same again without her.

It is funny to look back at all the things I didn't know before having her. I didn't know I would love being a mother so much. I was afraid of spending all my time alone just taking care of a baby. But I am not just taking care of a baby, I am spending my time with beautiful Lily, who is such a unique and wonderful person! I have gotten to know her so well. All the little things about her that make her who she is are so endearing to me, like the way she scrunches up her face and pushes her head forward like she is trying to do sit-ups whenever she needs to burp, or how big her eyes get when she gazes in wonder at the trees and the sky every time we go for a walk. I love the way she suddenly stops fussing when I am changing her diaper and smiles at me with a huge, toothless grin, or the sleepy, contented look in her eyes when she is finished with a meal and looks up at me as if to say "thanks mom" before falling asleep. I am sure none of these things are unique to my baby, but they are special to me because I know what they mean and how they make up her personality. If I saw another baby doing the same things, they would be cute, but they wouldn't mean anything to me.

I never realized that someone so tiny could be so alive and have so much personality. I guess those are things you can only learn by spending all your time with a baby. I can't help but think when I look at her that even though her body may be small and helpless at the moment, she is an intelligent and good person and already learned many things in her previous life, and made the choice to come to this earth. In fact, there is definitely the possibility that she is more intelligent and more knowledgeable than I am. It is simply my responsibility to remind her of what she already knows and give her the resources to accomplish the mission she was committed to before she came here. Wow, what a huge responsibility!

I also have this funny feeling that I already knew her. I keep having the thought that we are friends, which is different than the feeling of loving my baby daughter. Almost two years ago, I had the strong impression that there was a little girl waiting to come to our family. I knew, throughout the pregnancy, that she was a girl, and I also felt (after a certain point) that her name should be Lily instead of various other names we liked. I don't know if it is always like that, or even usually that way, but I don't think this is the first time we have gotten to know each other. I hope I can give her the kind of life I will be proud of and she can be grateful for, when we someday know each other again as old friends.

Other things I have learned about myself in new motherhood: I am still unnecessarily afraid of change. As with seemingly every other change in my life, I was so afraid of this one. Even after the many, many months of painfully longing to become pregnant, once it happened I was so afraid that it would take away all the good things I already had. Once again, I have learned that a sacrifice is a sacrifice because it is worth it. Yes, I gave up a few things, like my job, my flexibility, my efficiency, my ability to go anywhere without a HUGE hassle (and enough "luggage" that I feel like I'm going on a week vacation). But I love Lily so much more than any of that. And the most important things in my life, the gospel and my relationship with Adam, have only meant more to me and gotten better now that they are complemented by having a baby.  

I wish, I wish, I wish every person in the world could have this amazing experience! I do understand why some people don't want to, but if they only knew how wonderful it is to love someone so much and have them love you back for no reason other than that they belong to you! She doesn't have to do a single thing to mean the world to me. It's amazing how giving love, even more than receiving it, is what makes us truly happy. And I have found no better way to give love than to have a baby. It doesn't seem like having a baby  makes everyone happy, but it has certainly made me happier than I have ever been before.

Now, I won't lie - as any parents know, it's not all as easy as pie, not that making pie is easy for me (although I'm pretty good at eating it). There are frustrating things about living with a baby, like the day last week when I tried all day long to take a shower (because I hadn't gotten one the day before!), and it didn't happen until 10:00 in the evening, or the time she spit up in the middle of the night, missing all the strategically placed protective burp cloths and towels and projecting directly onto our sheets. It is not my first choice activities when she decides she wants to have 2 am play time after her midnight snack instead of going back to sleep, and of course, she always insists on being hungry every time we are walking out the door, regardless of how many times I have fed (or tried to feed) her in the hour before we have to leave.

Of course, I have learned some new skills. I am getting really good at typing with one hand (yes, I wrote this whole blog post whilst nursing Lily), driving while reaching into the back seat to hold a pacifier in Lily's mouth, and cooking dinner without being able see the counter-top directly in front of me for the baby strapped to my chest. But in spite of the inconveniences, life has been so wonderful since she arrived. Those things are all so small in comparison to how wonderful it is to have her. I think my thoughts about how my life has changed since having a baby are summed up well in the words of Brad Paisley:

Just when I start thinking it's as good as it can get.
This crazy life does something just to let me know 
I haven't seen anything yet. 
And I said to myself,
"It doesn't get better than this.
No, it doesn't get better than this."

But it did.

Redefining my Identity . . .

I have been having a minor identity crisis. Nothing big, but it feels weird that I will no longer be able to label myself with a professional position title when people ask "So what do you do?" From now on, the answer will be "I'm a mom!" I am absolutely proud of this, but like I said, it feels a little weird.

For the last few years I have been a "project manager for DecisionWise, a leadership consulting firm in Provo, UT," which status will be ending as of next Tuesday. I have been working part-time remotely since we moved to Oregon, and it has been nice to hold on to my title for a few more months. And I have to admit, I'm a little sad. As nerdy as it sounds, I have realized that I am fairly attached to my spreadsheets, power point templates, and statistical analyses (not to mention clients and co-workers). What am I going to do without any demographics to code or any data correlations to run? Oh yeah . . . I will be changing diapers and cleaning spit-up off my clothes - haha. But anyway, sad as it might be, I think I will really miss staring at enormous spreadsheets full of survey responses all day. So, in my post-statistics and data-analysis-free life, I will have to find some other ways to define myself. So I have come up with a list that describes who I am, aside from "former project manager". So here goes - I am a:

• Child of God! A Mormon, Christian, follower of Christ. I am grateful for God's love and His amazing plan for all His children!
• Wife of the most amazing husband ever!
• Soon-to-be mommy to a baby girl!
• Friend, daughter, sister, cousin, granddaughter, neighbor
• American citizen
• Opinionated conservative. If you plan to read this blog, you should be prepared for some political rants. :)
• BYU graduate, with a degree in Business and a minor in Spanish
• Excel nerd
• Runner
• Jazz vocalist, although I haven't done much singing since I graduated
• Amateur ballroom dancer - not competitive, but Adam and I love dancing together
• Pianist
• Guitarist
• Sentimental romantic
• Shoe fanatic
• Skier
• Amateur cook: I have become a food enthusiast over the past couple years, and I have become obsessed with trying new recipes. I am happy to say that I am no longer afraid of making dishes that include ingredients like escarole, Brussels sprouts, or cardamom pods. Yes, I will be using this blog to share my recipes with you. :)
• Fan of jazz, country, classic rock, Christian, pop, oldies, classical, reggae, alternative, broadway, hip-hop, and basically all music
• Grammar/spelling nazi
• Perfectionist
• Sucker for old architecture
• Travel enthusiast
• Really, really bad artist. I also stink at biology and softball.
• Ice cream and popcorn addict
• Night person
• Blonde
• Lover of rain
• Devoted Harry Potter fan (the books, not the movies)

Okay I feel better now. I guess there are lots of elements of my life that still define me as well as they did before. With so many recent changes (moving to a new state away from everyone I know, quitting my job, becoming a parent really soon) it has been something of a challenge to remember what hasn't changed. But I guess I am still me and the most important things are still the same!