The Atonement's Power to Change Us

I was asked to speak in sacrament meeting last Sunday on the atonement. Since I didn't get a chance to write anything last week about Easter, I thought I could at least share the information from my talk. It's a week late, but the atonement is applicable every day of our lives.

Easter is a celebration of the most important events in history: Christ's infinite atonement and resurrection for all mankind, which give all of us hope for a future of progression and eternal life, when we would otherwise be hopelessly lost. Although it is impossible to comprehend the scope of the savior's atonement for us, we do know the three main purposes for the atonement:

• First, Christ's atonement redeems all mankind from the fall of Adam, and allows us to overcome mortal death and be resurrected after this life. In the typical Christian sense of the word, all of us, except the few sons of perdition, will be “saved” in heaven, unconditionally.
  
• Second, out of pure love, Christ suffered all the pain and sorrow we will ever experience during mortal life, allowing him to empathize with us perfectly and comfort us in a way no one else could.
  
• Third, Christ suffered to pay the price for our so that we can be forgiven.
  

Acts 13:30 And by him all that believe are justified from all things, from which ye could not be justified by the law of Moses.

We are justified (declared innocent) from sins when we repent. We must be clean to dwell in the presence of God. But this is not all that is required to inherit the Celestial Kingdom. We also must change, or become sanctified.

D&C 20:30 And we know that justification through the grace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is just and true;

31. And we know also, that sanctification through the grace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is just and true, to all those who love and serve God with all their mights, minds, and strength.

 Justification and sanctification both happen through grace.

Moroni 10:32 Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in him, and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God.

 33 And again, if ye by the grace of God are perfect in Christ, and deny not his power, then are ye sanctified in Christ by the grace of God.

I thought this was a chronological list, but I have realized that it is actually a definition. When we are perfect in Christ, and deny not his power, then we have become sanctified through His grace. So sanctification is the process of coming unto Christ and being perfected in Him, or in other words, becoming perfect like He is. 

“By the grace of God” appears three times in these verses – this process of change happens through the atonement.

Elder Bruce C. Hafen wrote:

“I once wondered if those who refuse to repent but who then satisfy the law of justice by paying for their own sins are then worthy to enter the celestial kingdom. The answer is no. The entrance requirements for celestial life are simply higher than merely satisfying the law of justice. For that reason, paying for our sins will not bear the same fruit as repenting of our sins. Justice is a law of balance and order and it must be satisfied, either through our payment or his. But if we decline the Savior's invitation to let him carry our sins, and then satisfy justice by ourselves, we will not yet have experienced the complete rehabilitation that can occur through a combination of divine assistance and genuine repentance. Working together, those forces have the power permanently to change our hearts and our lives, preparing us for celestial life.”(The Broken Heart [Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 1989], 149; emphasis in original).

No matter what we do, it is not possible for us to meet the demands of justice in this life. And that has already been done by Christ. To be justified from our sins, all we need to do (and all we can do) is repent. But, as it says in Helaman 5:7, “faith and repentance bringeth a change of heart.” When the people of Mosiah had this type of change of heart, they had “no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually.” This is where we are trying to get to in this life. We can't avoid sin, but we can increase in our desire for good, and grow in our love for God.

Think for a moment about what it would be like if the justifying power of the atonement applied to everyone without requiring repentance, and we were all automatically forgiven of our sins. We would have no reason to change. We would all someday stand before God being clean, but still with the hearts and desires of the natural man, and unfit to live in the Celestial Kingdom. God loves us so much more than that! Christ paid the incredible price so that we can have the opportunity to get this education called life, and learn and grow and change. Without a change of heart, we could never become like Him and could never have eternal life. But when our hearts are pure and we desire righteousness, we are on the path to Celestial glory, even though we we all still make mistakes frequently.

Brad Wilcox gave a wonderful devotional at BYU last year called “His Grace is Sufficient”:

I have born-again Christian friends who say to me, “You Mormons are trying to earn your way to heaven.”

I say, “No, we are not earning heaven. We are learning heaven. We are preparing for it. We are practicing for it.”

They ask me, “Have you been saved by grace?”

I answer, “Yes. Absolutely, totally, completely, thankfully—yes!”

Then I ask them a question that perhaps they have not fully considered: “Have you been changed by grace?” They are so excited about being saved that maybe they are not thinking enough about what comes next. They are so happy the debt is paid that they may not have considered why the debt existed in the first place. Latter-day Saints know not only what Jesus has saved us from but also what He has saved us for. … While many Christians view Christ’s suffering as only a huge favor He did for us, Latter-day Saints also recognize it as a huge investment He made in us. Grace isn’t just about being saved. It is also about becoming like the Savior.”

So, are we being changed by grace? Are we allowing the Savior's sacrifice to help us become better people?

Elder Hafen wrote, “The great Mediator asks for our repentance not because we must ‘repay’ him in exchange for his paying our debt to justice, but because repentance initiates a developmental process that, with the Savior’s help, leads us along the path to a saintly character.”

I think the words, “with the Savior's help” are very important in this quote. We are not required or expected to change ourselves by ourselves, and it would be impossible. The Savior's atonement not only allows Him to forgive us of our sins, but to help us become better people. The Savior paid the price for sin so we could be forgiven of those sins. He suffered our pains and sorrow so he could understand us and help us overcome our pains and sorrow. He also suffered our temptations, so He could help us overcome them, and ultimately become perfect. In this month's Ensign, Elder Bednar gives a message about how the Atonement helps us progress. He says:

“We may mistakenly believe we must make the journey from good to better and become a saint all by ourselves, through sheer grit, willpower, and discipline, and with our obviously limited capacities.

The gospel of the Savior is not simply about avoiding bad in our lives; it also is essentially about doing and becoming good. And the Atonement provides help for us to overcome and avoid bad and to do and become good. Help from the Savior is available for the entire journey of mortality—from bad to good to better and to change our very nature.”

What a merciful gospel this is! When the Savior asks us to become perfect, as He is, He's not asking us to do it alone, since that would not be possible. He's provided the atonement so that, as Mosiah said, “our hearts [can be] changed by faith on His name.” Notice that Mosiah does not say we must change our own hearts, but says in the passive voice “our hearts are changed.” We know that “the natural man is an enemy to God”, and because of that, we don't have the power to overcome our natural, carnal natures by ourselves. But if we “yield to the enticings of the Holy Spirit” and allow a mighty change to be wrought in our hearts, as it was wrought in the heart of Alma, we can “become a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and become as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.”

Our responsibility, according to these verses, is to yield to the Spirit (or in other words, follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost), and allow a change to be wrought in us. Christ wants to change us. His atonement has the power to change us. Our sincere effort, faith, and obedience is required in this process. But with Christ, our efforts are magnified to let us progress many times more than we could ever progress by ourselves.

The Bible dictionary entry under grace states,

“It is ... through the grace of the Lord that individuals, through faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ and repentance of their sins, receive strength and assistance to do good works that they otherwise would not be able to maintain if left to their own means. This grace is an enabling power that allows men and women to lay hold on eternal life and exaltation after they have expended their own best efforts. 

Sometimes it feels that Christ's admonition to become perfect is so overwhelming that we can never achieve it.We must remember that the reason Christ paid for our sins is because He expects us to make mistakes. The important thing is to keep trying to become closer to Him so we can accept His help as we try to improve.

Stephen Robinson, in his book “Believing Christ,” tells a story he calls 'The parable of the Bicycle”:

His daughter asked him if she could have a bike and he replied, “"You save all your pennies, and pretty soon you'll have enough for a bike." A few weeks later, he noticed her putting a few coins in a jar and asked what she was doing. She replied,"You promised me that if I saved all my pennies, pretty soon I'd have enough for a bike. And, Daddy, I've saved every single one of them."

He describes, “My heart melted. She was doing everything in her power to follow my instructions. I hadn't actually lied to her. If she saved all of her pennies she would eventually have enough for a bike, but by then she would want a car. Because I love her, I said, "Let's go downtown and look at bikes.”

So after looking for a while, she found the bike she wanted. “But when she saw how much it cost, her face fell and she started to cry. She said, "Oh Dad, I'll never have enough for a bicycle."

So I said, "Sarah, how much do you have?"

She answered, "Sixty-one cents."

He said, "I'll tell you what. You give me everything you've got and a hug and a kiss, and the bike is yours."

This story is not about justification. It's not like we have to try to keep all the commandments perfectly, and if we mess up then Christ will step in and make up the difference. We have already fallen, and Christ has already paid the whole debt. This story is about sanctification. When it comes to changing our natures, the parable about the bicycle makes perfect sense. We put in our 61 cents of effort to change our hearts and Christ will bring us the rest of the way. 

Still, sometimes our mistakes and trials make even the 61 cents-worth of effort seem impossible.

Christ says in Matthew chapter 11 “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

When I read this scripture, I imagine the impossibly heavy load we bring upon ourselves as soon as we sin. We are incapable of removing the burden, and it is so heavy that we cannot move or progress while it is pressing down upon us. Because Christ is perfect, the justification of the atonement removes this burden of sin from us. Without the heavy load, we are then able to move and grow and progress in the gospel and become the kind of people who are capable of someday living in the celestial kingdom. This is the sanctification provided by the atonement.

I have felt the atonement of Christ working in my life, and I have felt Him carry my burdens when I felt like I couldn't go any further. I know He will be there for each of us whenever we are in need, and that He can make it possible for us to become the kind of people we ultimately want to be.

It doesn't get better than this

I can't believe my daughter's age is now measured in months instead of weeks! The time has flown by, but I know my life could never be the same again without her.

It is funny to look back at all the things I didn't know before having her. I didn't know I would love being a mother so much. I was afraid of spending all my time alone just taking care of a baby. But I am not just taking care of a baby, I am spending my time with beautiful Lily, who is such a unique and wonderful person! I have gotten to know her so well. All the little things about her that make her who she is are so endearing to me, like the way she scrunches up her face and pushes her head forward like she is trying to do sit-ups whenever she needs to burp, or how big her eyes get when she gazes in wonder at the trees and the sky every time we go for a walk. I love the way she suddenly stops fussing when I am changing her diaper and smiles at me with a huge, toothless grin, or the sleepy, contented look in her eyes when she is finished with a meal and looks up at me as if to say "thanks mom" before falling asleep. I am sure none of these things are unique to my baby, but they are special to me because I know what they mean and how they make up her personality. If I saw another baby doing the same things, they would be cute, but they wouldn't mean anything to me.

I never realized that someone so tiny could be so alive and have so much personality. I guess those are things you can only learn by spending all your time with a baby. I can't help but think when I look at her that even though her body may be small and helpless at the moment, she is an intelligent and good person and already learned many things in her previous life, and made the choice to come to this earth. In fact, there is definitely the possibility that she is more intelligent and more knowledgeable than I am. It is simply my responsibility to remind her of what she already knows and give her the resources to accomplish the mission she was committed to before she came here. Wow, what a huge responsibility!

I also have this funny feeling that I already knew her. I keep having the thought that we are friends, which is different than the feeling of loving my baby daughter. Almost two years ago, I had the strong impression that there was a little girl waiting to come to our family. I knew, throughout the pregnancy, that she was a girl, and I also felt (after a certain point) that her name should be Lily instead of various other names we liked. I don't know if it is always like that, or even usually that way, but I don't think this is the first time we have gotten to know each other. I hope I can give her the kind of life I will be proud of and she can be grateful for, when we someday know each other again as old friends.

Other things I have learned about myself in new motherhood: I am still unnecessarily afraid of change. As with seemingly every other change in my life, I was so afraid of this one. Even after the many, many months of painfully longing to become pregnant, once it happened I was so afraid that it would take away all the good things I already had. Once again, I have learned that a sacrifice is a sacrifice because it is worth it. Yes, I gave up a few things, like my job, my flexibility, my efficiency, my ability to go anywhere without a HUGE hassle (and enough "luggage" that I feel like I'm going on a week vacation). But I love Lily so much more than any of that. And the most important things in my life, the gospel and my relationship with Adam, have only meant more to me and gotten better now that they are complemented by having a baby.  

I wish, I wish, I wish every person in the world could have this amazing experience! I do understand why some people don't want to, but if they only knew how wonderful it is to love someone so much and have them love you back for no reason other than that they belong to you! She doesn't have to do a single thing to mean the world to me. It's amazing how giving love, even more than receiving it, is what makes us truly happy. And I have found no better way to give love than to have a baby. It doesn't seem like having a baby  makes everyone happy, but it has certainly made me happier than I have ever been before.

Now, I won't lie - as any parents know, it's not all as easy as pie, not that making pie is easy for me (although I'm pretty good at eating it). There are frustrating things about living with a baby, like the day last week when I tried all day long to take a shower (because I hadn't gotten one the day before!), and it didn't happen until 10:00 in the evening, or the time she spit up in the middle of the night, missing all the strategically placed protective burp cloths and towels and projecting directly onto our sheets. It is not my first choice activities when she decides she wants to have 2 am play time after her midnight snack instead of going back to sleep, and of course, she always insists on being hungry every time we are walking out the door, regardless of how many times I have fed (or tried to feed) her in the hour before we have to leave.

Of course, I have learned some new skills. I am getting really good at typing with one hand (yes, I wrote this whole blog post whilst nursing Lily), driving while reaching into the back seat to hold a pacifier in Lily's mouth, and cooking dinner without being able see the counter-top directly in front of me for the baby strapped to my chest. But in spite of the inconveniences, life has been so wonderful since she arrived. Those things are all so small in comparison to how wonderful it is to have her. I think my thoughts about how my life has changed since having a baby are summed up well in the words of Brad Paisley:

Just when I start thinking it's as good as it can get.
This crazy life does something just to let me know 
I haven't seen anything yet. 
And I said to myself,
"It doesn't get better than this.
No, it doesn't get better than this."

But it did.

Lily's Birth

Yes, this event occurred over a month ago, but I have not written anything about it until now.

What can I say? Life has been a little busy. :)

A word of caution before you begin reading: this post talks about giving birth. No, there are no indecent pictures and no extremely gory details, but if you find this sort of thing disgusting, just skip to the next post. Although as I'm sure most parents would agree, after having a baby, almost nothing seems gross.

I had Lily naturally. And it gets even more radical than that - I didn't even have her in a hospital, and I did a water birth! You may think I am crazy if you want, and I won't be offended. Maybe I am crazy. But it worked out great for us.

Why did we decide on all this unconventional hippie-like extremeness? First, I don't like hospitals. I associate them with sick people and diseases and all sorts of unhappiness - not the place I wanted a wonderful event like my daughter's birth to take place. Yes, I know the labor and delivery wards in hospitals are better than they used to be, but that didn't seem to make a dent in my stubborn aversion to them. It is also true that there are infections periodically contracted in hospitals that are not found elsewhere, like MRSA, which I did NOT want anywhere near me or my baby, since several people I know have gotten it after giving birth.

Second, when we moved here, I had some misgivings about having a baby in a place where I knew essentially nobody (we have made some friends since then, don't worry!), and I felt like I would need a lot more support with my baby than a doctor usually gives. So we found a great midwife nearby who has really been an amazing resource. Instead of 10 minutes, she spent an hour with us at every appointment. I asked her every question I could think of during our appointment, and texted her numerous other questions outside of our appointments. She even made a house call to visit me several days after the birth.

Finally, the biggest reason we chose to have Lily naturally is that we feel like it was better for her and for me. I didn't want meds being pumped into her, making her lethargic at birth. I feel that these can have lasting effects. For me, I really did not want to have a C-section. Of course, I would not object in an emergency, but I feel that they are performed much too often in hospitals. The national C-section rate is 32% in the U.S., whereas fewer than 10% of births attended by my midwife (who has overseen hundreds of births over the past 30 years) end up being transported too the hospital. Of course the C-section rate in hospitals is higher in part because all high-risk births must happen there, but since less than 10% of pregnancies are high risk, this does not account for much of the difference.

I feel that much of this difference is because of over-medicalization of birth and problems caused by the drugs routinely used in hospitals. Pitocin, for example (which is used in over 80% of U.S hospital births), creates contractions that are stronger than normal, which can lead to fetal distress. In addition, a cervix that is being forced to open before it is ready can sometimes become swollen, which stops progression and often leads to a C-section. I have had numerous friends who have told me about their C-sections which were performed simply because they weren't progressing. I did not want to have to deal with that. This article describes some of the reasons I chose not to have an epidural: http://www.adjustbacktohealth.com/articles/aa332.htm.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think that all hospital birth procedures are necessarily bad or that C-sections don't save many lives that would otherwise be lost. But I just didn't feel that was the best option for us.

There were trade-offs, however. Obviously, it was hard. I was up most of the night before Lily was born with false contractions. My water broke at 4 am, and regular contractions began immediately. We arrived at the birth center at 7 am. I had spent A LOT of time practicing relaxation techniques, and with focus, I stayed somewhat comfortable until the early afternoon. But at some point, it became all I could do to remember to breathe, let alone breathe deeply and slowly. At about 4:00, I couldn't stand the suspense, and had Debbie, my midwife check my dilation, and I was at a 7 (I wanted to avoid checking if possible, since this introduces bacteria which could lead to infection if labor stops for a while or is delayed).

What a relief! It was nice to know that we were getting somewhere, although I am glad I didn't know then that it would still be almost 5 hours before it would be over. Meeting my baby just seemed like an added bonus at that point; all I could think about was "PLEASE GET THIS OVER WITH ASAP!" Over the next few hours, Adam was very wonderful and supportive, and I was not so wonderful. I yelled various things at him such as, "You did this to me!" and "Next time you get to do this part!" He readily agreed, and also made a number of promises, such as changing ALL of Lily's diapers (that didn't last too long). He was very supportive and kept telling me that I was doing great and getting close, and I kept insisting that he was lying.

But eventually, when I honestly thought it was never going to end, I started pushing. My midwife told me to slow down so I wouldn't tear, so I tried to hold things back. At one point, she let me feel the top of Lily's head, and I started to cry. That was my baby! I couldn't believe it - she was actually real! Then I was motivated. But when I finally pushed her out, it was the strangest experience of my life. Was that purple round thing in the water really my baby's head? And then, was that alien-looking thing with arms stretched out in zombie-fashion really my baby? It was surreal . . . not exactly what I had envisioned so many times during the previous nine months.

But then it was wonderful. I couldn't believe how much love I felt felt for this tiny little person. And suddenly my understanding of God's love for us expanded. I loved my daughter not for anything she had done, or because of any favorable character trait, skill, or talent. I simply loved her, and still love her, because she is mine, just as I know Heavenly Father loves all of His children. What an amazing thing to experience! I had no idea being a parent would be so beautiful.

Lily was completely alert, calm, and wide-eyed when she was born, and did not cry, except when the midwife made her cry a little in order to clear her airways. She was wide awake for several hours before sleeping, and stared at me with a piercing gaze from the moment we took her out of the water.

Now. I know what you are probably thinking: "Giving birth in a tub of water?! That sounds disgusting! I wouldn't want to be sitting in a pool of blood and nastiness!" Well, I wouldn't either! It was actually quite clean. There was almost no blood until well after she was born, and by then the tub was drained. (It was such a nice Whirlpool tub; man I want one of those at my house!)

I had some frustrating complications afterwards. Fortunately, and I hope because of lots of preparation, I did not tear. But I did have some retained placenta, which was a problem, and I lost a lot of blood so I was dizzy and could hardly sit up. At one point, because of a slight misunderstanding, my midwife said she was just going to call an ambulance to take me to the hospital. But then she realized things weren't as bad as she thought, so I didn't have to go (thank heaven!). Some pitocin resolved the retained placenta, and I started feeling better. There were some other issues that I won't describe, but I ended up having to stay awake almost all night. I was so tired!

We took Lily home the following evening. After several days at home, I noticed an intense pain in the area of my right rib. My ribs had seemed bruised around the time of Lily's birth, so I assumed one was broken. But after several weeks of no improvement, and some online research, I realized that it was gallbladder pain.

So now, after 7 weeks, I am doing a gallbladder and liver cleanse with the hopes that it will be an adequate solution to my affliction. It certainly seems to have worked - I feel MUCH better. Again, call me radical, but I am not willing to have surgery if I don't have to, plus I don't think removing your organs is generally a good idea. I think God knew what He was doing when He put them in there!

I didn't expect to still be resolving issues from giving birth almost two months later, but it is all worth it to have our precious Lily. Sometimes it makes me cry just to look at her, I love her so much. I felt for a long time as we were trying to get pregnant that a little girl was waiting to come to our family. I am so grateful that she is finally here! I do hope, however, that the next time around is a little easier! Supposedly, the first time is the hardest by far, but I guess I will have to find out (someday!). I'll cross my fingers.