A Voice from the Dust

In the Book of Mormon, the prophet Nephi speaks of his records coming forth as a "voice from the dust" to the people of our time. God knew that what Nephi and other Book of Mormon prophets taught would be greatly beneficial to the people of our time, so He preserved their writings specifically for our benefit. Today I had an experience that felt like hearing a figurative voice from the dust, preserved especially for me.

This week we planned a camping trip, which was my mom's favorite activity. So I have been thinking a lot about her and missing her more than usual. I have also been struggling to know how to manage my life and priorities with two young children, and I have desperately craved her advice. When I was not yet two, she had my twin brothers, so she went from having one child to three. Lately I have often wondered how she even survived, and I wish I could ask her for advice. None of my siblings have children yet and all my cousins are much younger than I am, so there are few people I can talk to about the struggles of young motherhood.

Tonight as I was contemplating many conflicting priorities, and missing my mom so much, I remembered a story she wrote which was published in the Ensign sometime in the 1990s. I searched for it extensively after she died, but could never find it online, in any magazine, or in her personal records. But tonight I decided to search for it again.

Miraculously, I found it immediately after searching for her name in LDS.org: https://www.lds.org/ensign/1996/01/finding-truth-in-the-book-of-mormon?lang=eng (the last story on the page). When I saw her name highlighted in the search results, I immediately began to cry. I could hardly see through my tears as I read about how scripture reading had not been a consistently high priority for my mom until she had three children under four years of age. She finally decided to read her scriptures as her first priority for one week, and discovered that she seemed to have much more time than before and was able to accomplish everything else more easily.

Maybe someone else needed this message back in 1996, but it feels like she wrote it for me just so I could hear her "voice" tonight, 18 years later. I have not been able to ask her advice about parenting since Lily reached the difficult toddler stage (although I love this stage too!), and I have needed her wisdom so much. I don't have any letters from her, aside from some casual emails, and what I have read of her journals has not been very helpful for me. So this small story from the Ensign is like a time capsule of the wisdom she gained when she was at my stage of life.

My mom faithfully read her scriptures every day of her life that I can remember, and she taught me many times the principle of making scripture study the first priority of the day. This was a good reminder of that, but what I needed to hear most from her story was simply that it wasn't always easy for her when she was at the stage I'm at now. I'm not sure why, but for some reason it is comforting to hear that she also struggled through this part of life. Perhaps it gives me hope that even with my current faults, maybe by the time I'm 50 I can be more like she was before she died.

Maybe I just needed to read a few words she wrote since I can't call her on the phone. I know the Lord can't bring her back, as much as I wish I could be with her. But I am grateful that he preserved these words of hers to strengthen me in a time of need.

It doesn't get better than this

I can't believe my daughter's age is now measured in months instead of weeks! The time has flown by, but I know my life could never be the same again without her.

It is funny to look back at all the things I didn't know before having her. I didn't know I would love being a mother so much. I was afraid of spending all my time alone just taking care of a baby. But I am not just taking care of a baby, I am spending my time with beautiful Lily, who is such a unique and wonderful person! I have gotten to know her so well. All the little things about her that make her who she is are so endearing to me, like the way she scrunches up her face and pushes her head forward like she is trying to do sit-ups whenever she needs to burp, or how big her eyes get when she gazes in wonder at the trees and the sky every time we go for a walk. I love the way she suddenly stops fussing when I am changing her diaper and smiles at me with a huge, toothless grin, or the sleepy, contented look in her eyes when she is finished with a meal and looks up at me as if to say "thanks mom" before falling asleep. I am sure none of these things are unique to my baby, but they are special to me because I know what they mean and how they make up her personality. If I saw another baby doing the same things, they would be cute, but they wouldn't mean anything to me.

I never realized that someone so tiny could be so alive and have so much personality. I guess those are things you can only learn by spending all your time with a baby. I can't help but think when I look at her that even though her body may be small and helpless at the moment, she is an intelligent and good person and already learned many things in her previous life, and made the choice to come to this earth. In fact, there is definitely the possibility that she is more intelligent and more knowledgeable than I am. It is simply my responsibility to remind her of what she already knows and give her the resources to accomplish the mission she was committed to before she came here. Wow, what a huge responsibility!

I also have this funny feeling that I already knew her. I keep having the thought that we are friends, which is different than the feeling of loving my baby daughter. Almost two years ago, I had the strong impression that there was a little girl waiting to come to our family. I knew, throughout the pregnancy, that she was a girl, and I also felt (after a certain point) that her name should be Lily instead of various other names we liked. I don't know if it is always like that, or even usually that way, but I don't think this is the first time we have gotten to know each other. I hope I can give her the kind of life I will be proud of and she can be grateful for, when we someday know each other again as old friends.

Other things I have learned about myself in new motherhood: I am still unnecessarily afraid of change. As with seemingly every other change in my life, I was so afraid of this one. Even after the many, many months of painfully longing to become pregnant, once it happened I was so afraid that it would take away all the good things I already had. Once again, I have learned that a sacrifice is a sacrifice because it is worth it. Yes, I gave up a few things, like my job, my flexibility, my efficiency, my ability to go anywhere without a HUGE hassle (and enough "luggage" that I feel like I'm going on a week vacation). But I love Lily so much more than any of that. And the most important things in my life, the gospel and my relationship with Adam, have only meant more to me and gotten better now that they are complemented by having a baby.  

I wish, I wish, I wish every person in the world could have this amazing experience! I do understand why some people don't want to, but if they only knew how wonderful it is to love someone so much and have them love you back for no reason other than that they belong to you! She doesn't have to do a single thing to mean the world to me. It's amazing how giving love, even more than receiving it, is what makes us truly happy. And I have found no better way to give love than to have a baby. It doesn't seem like having a baby  makes everyone happy, but it has certainly made me happier than I have ever been before.

Now, I won't lie - as any parents know, it's not all as easy as pie, not that making pie is easy for me (although I'm pretty good at eating it). There are frustrating things about living with a baby, like the day last week when I tried all day long to take a shower (because I hadn't gotten one the day before!), and it didn't happen until 10:00 in the evening, or the time she spit up in the middle of the night, missing all the strategically placed protective burp cloths and towels and projecting directly onto our sheets. It is not my first choice activities when she decides she wants to have 2 am play time after her midnight snack instead of going back to sleep, and of course, she always insists on being hungry every time we are walking out the door, regardless of how many times I have fed (or tried to feed) her in the hour before we have to leave.

Of course, I have learned some new skills. I am getting really good at typing with one hand (yes, I wrote this whole blog post whilst nursing Lily), driving while reaching into the back seat to hold a pacifier in Lily's mouth, and cooking dinner without being able see the counter-top directly in front of me for the baby strapped to my chest. But in spite of the inconveniences, life has been so wonderful since she arrived. Those things are all so small in comparison to how wonderful it is to have her. I think my thoughts about how my life has changed since having a baby are summed up well in the words of Brad Paisley:

Just when I start thinking it's as good as it can get.
This crazy life does something just to let me know 
I haven't seen anything yet. 
And I said to myself,
"It doesn't get better than this.
No, it doesn't get better than this."

But it did.

Redefining my Identity . . .

I have been having a minor identity crisis. Nothing big, but it feels weird that I will no longer be able to label myself with a professional position title when people ask "So what do you do?" From now on, the answer will be "I'm a mom!" I am absolutely proud of this, but like I said, it feels a little weird.

For the last few years I have been a "project manager for DecisionWise, a leadership consulting firm in Provo, UT," which status will be ending as of next Tuesday. I have been working part-time remotely since we moved to Oregon, and it has been nice to hold on to my title for a few more months. And I have to admit, I'm a little sad. As nerdy as it sounds, I have realized that I am fairly attached to my spreadsheets, power point templates, and statistical analyses (not to mention clients and co-workers). What am I going to do without any demographics to code or any data correlations to run? Oh yeah . . . I will be changing diapers and cleaning spit-up off my clothes - haha. But anyway, sad as it might be, I think I will really miss staring at enormous spreadsheets full of survey responses all day. So, in my post-statistics and data-analysis-free life, I will have to find some other ways to define myself. So I have come up with a list that describes who I am, aside from "former project manager". So here goes - I am a:

• Child of God! A Mormon, Christian, follower of Christ. I am grateful for God's love and His amazing plan for all His children!
• Wife of the most amazing husband ever!
• Soon-to-be mommy to a baby girl!
• Friend, daughter, sister, cousin, granddaughter, neighbor
• American citizen
• Opinionated conservative. If you plan to read this blog, you should be prepared for some political rants. :)
• BYU graduate, with a degree in Business and a minor in Spanish
• Excel nerd
• Runner
• Jazz vocalist, although I haven't done much singing since I graduated
• Amateur ballroom dancer - not competitive, but Adam and I love dancing together
• Pianist
• Guitarist
• Sentimental romantic
• Shoe fanatic
• Skier
• Amateur cook: I have become a food enthusiast over the past couple years, and I have become obsessed with trying new recipes. I am happy to say that I am no longer afraid of making dishes that include ingredients like escarole, Brussels sprouts, or cardamom pods. Yes, I will be using this blog to share my recipes with you. :)
• Fan of jazz, country, classic rock, Christian, pop, oldies, classical, reggae, alternative, broadway, hip-hop, and basically all music
• Grammar/spelling nazi
• Perfectionist
• Sucker for old architecture
• Travel enthusiast
• Really, really bad artist. I also stink at biology and softball.
• Ice cream and popcorn addict
• Night person
• Blonde
• Lover of rain
• Devoted Harry Potter fan (the books, not the movies)

Okay I feel better now. I guess there are lots of elements of my life that still define me as well as they did before. With so many recent changes (moving to a new state away from everyone I know, quitting my job, becoming a parent really soon) it has been something of a challenge to remember what hasn't changed. But I guess I am still me and the most important things are still the same!