A week ago Friday I woke up with my back in spasms. This has happened countless times before, but never since having two kids, and never when I've had a baby. I didn't know what to do. Adam stayed home and I tried various remedies, but nothing worked. It was painful enough that I couldn't sleep at all that night, and spent a long, long night awake and in pain by myself.
Although I tried everything I could think of over the next 2 days, the spasms were still going strong Monday morning. I had gotten about 2 hours of sleep total over the course of 72 hours and I was beyond exhausted. My back hurt so bad I couldn't even hold Joshua while sitting down. Thankfully, my ward members came to my rescue. Sisters from the ward volunteered to help me, watch Lily, and bring dinner. We made it through one day and I got 4 hours of sleep that night. The next day, more people volunteered to watch the kids while I went to the chiropractor and got a massage. They gave me some exercises to do that will hopefully make a difference going forward. I also felt somewhat better afterwards and was able to sleep 8 hours on Tuesday night.
But on Tuesday morning, my back was still hurting a lot. It felt like the edge had been taken off and the muscles relaxed some, but there was still a terrible burning right in the middle of my back. A sister in my ward named Tawyna offered to help. She and her husband do natural healing, and finally I agreed to make an appointment.
I can't exactly explain what they did. They put their hands on my back and used some essential oils, and we talked through some things. It was similar to some of the things my mom learned to help with her therapy practice. Near the end of the appointment, they asked what I was thinking about. I said I was thinking about my mom because she's the only person who has ever done anything like this with me. Then I squeaked out, "I really miss her." And I started to lose it. Tawyna said, "You need to let it out." So I lay on the massage table and full-on cried for at least 15 minutes. It was actually a great relief, and in some ways a spiritual experience. And I felt so much better afterwards, physically and emotionally.
But I became keenly aware that I had done this to myself by bottling up my emotions and my stress. I knew that stress is what has caused my back to hurt this way in the past. And at some level, I was aware that I needed to deal with some things to overcome it this time. But it's so hard to work through those things that I was subconsciously avoiding it. It's also difficult because if Lily ever sees me cry, she gets very upset. So I have had lots of practice at swallowing my feelings and putting on a tough face.
I have also struggled lately with feeling very inadequate. Lately my house is always a huge mess, I am chronically late to every appointment, and I struggle to put any kind of dinner on the table. I have not been able to put near the amount of time into my callings as I used to, and I have really struggled to get up on time or exercise regularly. I have gotten upset with Lily when she has meltdowns, and have felt altogether not as effective as a parent as I would like. The stress of these things and the time constraints I constantly feel have made it extremely difficult to find opportunities to take care of myself emotionally.
Even though my back felt mostly better after "letting everything out" on Wednesday, ironically, I started feeling overwhelmed with my inability to handle my stress and emotions. I struggled with thoughts like, "Why can't I just handle things better so I don't make myself sick this way and make life so much more difficult for myself and everyone else around me?" (Like that is going to help me feel less stressed!) Finally, I was reading my scriptures one day in an effort to curb my frustration with myself, and I read this verse in the Book of Mormon:
And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. (Ether 12:27)After reading that verse, I realized something I have never realized before. If God gave me my weaknesses, there is no reason for me to feel bad about them, as long as I am working to overcome them! Of course it is important to be repentant in general, and willful disobedience is another matter. But I finally understood that God wants us to have weaknesses so we can trust Him to help us overcome them. In this process, we are compelled to depend on Him and learn humility, which we could not learn without stumbling over our own faults.
This means I can stop feeling bad about myself for struggling to deal with stress. It means I can also stop feeling bad about all the other stuff I struggle with, which is part of what causes me to feel stressed in the first place. I have a feeling that this will not eliminate all the challenges of parenthood (haha!), but hopefully it will help me to handle them in a healthier way. I certainly hope that I can learn to trust the Lord enough so that this weakness becomes a strength for me. I really admire easy-going people who can be relaxed and content regardless of their circumstances. It would be wonderful if I could be one of those people by the end of my life. In the mean time, I will try to be humble and keep practicing my yoga.
