2014 - What a great year!

This past year was fun, busy, difficult in some ways, and mostly wonderful. We made great memories and enjoyed being together.

As I look back to the beginning of 2014, the only thing that really stands out in my mind is being hugely pregnant for 3 months.

I am so glad that's over! Finally in early April, we welcomed precious Joshua Paul into our home. It was a wonderful experience in every way.

Many family members came to visit over the next few weeks and months and it was great to see them!

In May, we attended a family reunion in Idaho. It was great to see my family!

At the end of the summer, the kids and I took a trip to visit my family in Utah while Adam stayed in Oregon to teach a class. Again, it was great to see everyone!

This fall, Adam has started applying for various teaching jobs. We are excited to see where we are going to end up! Hopefully he will get some offers and can start teaching at a university next fall. And hopefully he can finish his dissertation in time to accept an offer if he gets one!

Lily and Joshua have become best friends. He crawls after her as she dances and sings around the house in her princess dress-up clothes. They both love playing the piano and "singing" along. We feel incredibly blessed to have them in our lives. 2014 was a wonderful year, and we felt the hand of the Lord in our lives so much. We hope 2015 will bring new adventures and blessings in our lives and yours!

Princess Birthday Pictures - Happy #3!

I don't have time to write a real post, but here are the pictures from Lily's birthday and her princess dress-up party. She had a lot of fun!

Lily's Nana made her an adorable apron.

And I made her a cake.

They had great fun dancing to princess music

We had two Cinderellas, two Snow Whites, an Elsa, and a Rapunzel. 

Happy birthday Lily! We love you!

Thoughts on Perfectionism

Wow. I am a perfectionist. Big time. I guess I have known this before. I dedicated an entire year to dealing with stress and perfectionism, hoping that it would help me get pregnant (and not lose my mind). It worked, and now I have two beautiful children! But unfortunately, caring for those two beautiful children has put me over the edge. I realized this past week, after a number of stressful events, and after reading an article entitled Traits of Perfectionists, that my perfectionism has returned with a vengeance.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, right? Well, now I have admitted it to the whole world. Or at least everyone who reads this blog, which is not that many. But hopefully this will create some accountability in my own head. So here are a few thoughts regarding what I have found that will hopefully help me start an uphill climb to overcome my perfectionism!

7 Points to Help Overcome My Perfectionism

1 - God gave us weaknesses

If God intentionally gave me my weaknesses, I don't need to feel bad about them! If I can humble myself and have faith in Him, He will turn my weaknesses into strengths. (Ether 12:27)

2 - God's grace is sufficient

No one can be perfect through sheer grit and determination. Only through the grace of God can He eventually guide us to that outcome (and not in this life!). We simply must trust that as long as we have faith and keep walking in the right direction on the straight and narrow path, His grace IS SUFFICIENT to make up the difference. That is what faith and hope mean! So I can stop trying to do it all myself. (See Brad Wilcox, "His Grace is Sufficient")

3 - I am imperfect and worthy of love

I do not need to earn anyone's love or approval by being perfect. Honest vulnerability, not being perfect, will help me become close to others and feel loved. ("The Power of Vulnerability") That is the reason I am posting this on my blog. Surprise, surprise world - I am not perfect! Now that the cat's out of the bag (yeah, right!), hopefully I can give up trying to convince everyone that I am perfect.

4 - No comparing!

I do not need to compare myself (or my accomplishments) to anyone, ever. Especially to other moms. I often measure my "effectiveness" by comparing myself to people whose circumstances are much different than mine. Without a dishwasher, it is impossible for me to keep my kitchen as clean as it would be if I had one. I don't have near as much time to get things done as I would if Lily took a nap every day, or even most days. And I suppose it's highly possible that even if I had those luxuries, I still wouldn't get near as much done as I think I would. 

Regardless of my situation, it is always damaging to compare myself to others. So, as much as I admire moms who post photos of their picture-perfect spiral french braid hairstyles, or birthday cakes that look like prize-winning sculptures, or homemade-but-professional-looking domestic decor that changes with every holiday season, or perfectly coordinated and themed family Halloween costumes, I DO NOT HAVE TO BE THAT PERSON!!! And I do not need to feel bad or second-rate about not being that person. Everyone, no matter how perfect they appear online (see Brad Paisley, "So Much Cooler Online"), struggles and faces challenges. Most importantly, we are all of equal infinite worth to God, no matter what we do. I am of value because I am a daughter of God.

5 - Conquer by Surrendering

Surrendering to my own imperfection will help me overcome my perfectionism! "Perfection is about controlling the outcome in order to receive love and acceptance. It’s all about fear. Surrender is about accepting where we are at in any moment, knowing that we are a work in progress." I am going to be okay with having dinner at 7:30 (like we did tonight), or passing some days without playing outside, or letting Lily watch 2 movies in one day when circumstances require. I will be okay with bottled pasta sauce, and letting Lily run around the house buck naked while I am nursing Joshua, and not updating the main picture on my blog for two entire years (and one additional family member), and going two full weeks without giving Joshua a bath (there, I said it - breathe!). Even when things happen that I don't prefer, I will accept and love myself anyway. Doing this will help me to remain calm with my children, because their actions will not threaten how I view my own parenting.

6 - Be Kind to Myself

Negative self-talk will always bring me down. Beating myself up in my head never improves my situation, and usually renders me completely incapable of completing whatever I am trying to accomplish. When the negative self-talk starts, I will find at least 5 kind things to say about myself instead. And I will not get down on myself for having negative self-talk, either! I will forgive myself, be kind to myself, and move forward.

7 - Take Preventative Measures

Breathe deeply. Pray. Read scriptures. Do yoga. Exercise. But don't feel bad when I don't!
P.S. Bonus #8 - Gratitude!

It occurred to me this morning that gratitude is a very important piece of this puzzle. Whenever I am focused on being grateful for how I have been blessed, I spend less time feeling inadequate and unhappy. It is easier for me to focus on others instead of criticizing myself.

And I am so very blessed! I feel particularly grateful for my testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, for my wonderful marriage to an incredible, loving, and forgiving husband who really does a lot to help me, and my two precious, adorable children. I am grateful for our good health, for our relatively small amount of debt for all our years of school, for my great and supportive friends and ward members. I am thankful for a home to live in and food to eat. I am grateful that the parking lot and laundry building are so much closer than they were in our last apartment, and I'm grateful that Lily has good friends to play with and a playground almost right outside our door. What huge blessings!

When I think about my mom having 3 children under the age of 2 when my brothers were born, I realize how easy I have things. Or two of my friends, both young moms, who have recently had strokes, or parents who unselfishly raise children with disabilities. Or when I think about anyone struggling in a difficult marriage, or single parents, or anyone who has ever lost their spouse or a child, I remember that I am so very blessed! My heart goes out to those who want to find an eternal companion, but haven't been able to, or those who desperately long for children, or those whose children have made wrong choices, or anyone struggling with an addiction.

My challenges seem so insignificant compared to what they could be. The Lord has truly blessed me abundantly. Gratitude will fill my heart with joy and will leave no room for feelings of inadequacy. I will be happy because I am grateful!

That Weak Things Might Become Strong

This past week has been a humbling experience. Someone in sacrament meeting today mentioned that their trials lately have made them keenly aware of their weaknesses. I can completely relate to that.

A week ago Friday I woke up with my back in spasms. This has happened countless times before, but never since having two kids, and never when I've had a baby. I didn't know what to do. Adam stayed home and I tried various remedies, but nothing worked. It was painful enough that I couldn't sleep at all that night, and spent a long, long night awake and in pain by myself.

Although I tried everything I could think of over the next 2 days, the spasms were still going strong Monday morning. I had gotten about 2 hours of sleep total over the course of 72 hours and I was beyond exhausted. My back hurt so bad I couldn't even hold Joshua while sitting down. Thankfully, my ward members came to my rescue. Sisters from the ward volunteered to help me, watch Lily, and bring dinner. We made it through one day and I got 4 hours of sleep that night. The next day, more people volunteered to watch the kids while I went to the chiropractor and got a massage. They gave me some exercises to do that will hopefully make a difference going forward. I also felt somewhat better afterwards and was able to sleep 8 hours on Tuesday night.

But on Tuesday morning, my back was still hurting a lot. It felt like the edge had been taken off and the muscles relaxed some, but there was still a terrible burning right in the middle of my back. A sister in my ward named Tawyna offered to help. She and her husband do natural healing, and finally I agreed to make an appointment.

I can't exactly explain what they did. They put their hands on my back and used some essential oils, and we talked through some things. It was similar to some of the things my mom learned to help with her therapy practice. Near the end of the appointment, they asked what I was thinking about. I said I was thinking about my mom because she's the only person who has ever done anything like this with me. Then I squeaked out, "I really miss her." And I started to lose it. Tawyna said, "You need to let it out." So I lay on the massage table and full-on cried for at least 15 minutes. It was actually a great relief, and in some ways a spiritual experience. And I felt so much better afterwards, physically and emotionally.

But I became keenly aware that I had done this to myself by bottling up my emotions and my stress. I knew that stress is what has caused my back to hurt this way in the past. And at some level, I was aware that I needed to deal with some things to overcome it this time. But it's so hard to work through those things that I was subconsciously avoiding it. It's also difficult because if Lily ever sees me cry, she gets very upset. So I have had lots of practice at swallowing my feelings and putting on a tough face.

I have also struggled lately with feeling very inadequate. Lately my house is always a huge mess, I am chronically late to every appointment, and I struggle to put any kind of dinner on the table. I have not been able to put near the amount of time into my callings as I used to, and I have really struggled to get up on time or exercise regularly. I have gotten upset with Lily when she has meltdowns, and have felt altogether not as effective as a parent as I would like. The stress of these things and the time constraints I constantly feel have made it extremely difficult to find opportunities to take care of myself emotionally.

Even though my back felt mostly better after "letting everything out" on Wednesday, ironically, I started feeling overwhelmed with my inability to handle my stress and emotions. I struggled with thoughts like, "Why can't I just handle things better so I don't make myself sick this way and make life so much more difficult for myself and everyone else around me?" (Like that is going to help me feel less stressed!) Finally, I was reading my scriptures one day in an effort to curb my frustration with myself, and I read this verse in the Book of Mormon:

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. (Ether 12:27)

After reading that verse, I realized something I have never realized before. If God gave me my weaknesses, there is no reason for me to feel bad about them, as long as I am working to overcome them! Of course it is important to be repentant in general, and willful disobedience is another matter. But I finally understood that God wants us to have weaknesses so we can trust Him to help us overcome them. In this process, we are compelled to depend on Him and learn humility, which we could not learn without stumbling over our own faults.

This means I can stop feeling bad about myself for struggling to deal with stress. It means I can also stop feeling bad about all the other stuff I struggle with, which is part of what causes me to feel stressed in the first place. I have a feeling that this will not eliminate all the challenges of parenthood (haha!), but hopefully it will help me to handle them in a healthier way. I certainly hope that I can learn to trust the Lord enough so that this weakness becomes a strength for me. I really admire easy-going people who can be relaxed and content regardless of their circumstances. It would be wonderful if I could be one of those people by the end of my life. In the mean time, I will try to be humble and keep practicing my yoga.

A Voice from the Dust

In the Book of Mormon, the prophet Nephi speaks of his records coming forth as a "voice from the dust" to the people of our time. God knew that what Nephi and other Book of Mormon prophets taught would be greatly beneficial to the people of our time, so He preserved their writings specifically for our benefit. Today I had an experience that felt like hearing a figurative voice from the dust, preserved especially for me.

This week we planned a camping trip, which was my mom's favorite activity. So I have been thinking a lot about her and missing her more than usual. I have also been struggling to know how to manage my life and priorities with two young children, and I have desperately craved her advice. When I was not yet two, she had my twin brothers, so she went from having one child to three. Lately I have often wondered how she even survived, and I wish I could ask her for advice. None of my siblings have children yet and all my cousins are much younger than I am, so there are few people I can talk to about the struggles of young motherhood.

Tonight as I was contemplating many conflicting priorities, and missing my mom so much, I remembered a story she wrote which was published in the Ensign sometime in the 1990s. I searched for it extensively after she died, but could never find it online, in any magazine, or in her personal records. But tonight I decided to search for it again.

Miraculously, I found it immediately after searching for her name in LDS.org: https://www.lds.org/ensign/1996/01/finding-truth-in-the-book-of-mormon?lang=eng (the last story on the page). When I saw her name highlighted in the search results, I immediately began to cry. I could hardly see through my tears as I read about how scripture reading had not been a consistently high priority for my mom until she had three children under four years of age. She finally decided to read her scriptures as her first priority for one week, and discovered that she seemed to have much more time than before and was able to accomplish everything else more easily.

Maybe someone else needed this message back in 1996, but it feels like she wrote it for me just so I could hear her "voice" tonight, 18 years later. I have not been able to ask her advice about parenting since Lily reached the difficult toddler stage (although I love this stage too!), and I have needed her wisdom so much. I don't have any letters from her, aside from some casual emails, and what I have read of her journals has not been very helpful for me. So this small story from the Ensign is like a time capsule of the wisdom she gained when she was at my stage of life.

My mom faithfully read her scriptures every day of her life that I can remember, and she taught me many times the principle of making scripture study the first priority of the day. This was a good reminder of that, but what I needed to hear most from her story was simply that it wasn't always easy for her when she was at the stage I'm at now. I'm not sure why, but for some reason it is comforting to hear that she also struggled through this part of life. Perhaps it gives me hope that even with my current faults, maybe by the time I'm 50 I can be more like she was before she died.

Maybe I just needed to read a few words she wrote since I can't call her on the phone. I know the Lord can't bring her back, as much as I wish I could be with her. But I am grateful that he preserved these words of hers to strengthen me in a time of need.

The New Normal

Well it has arrived: the insanity of a baby and a 2-year-old. Actually, it has been present for a while, which is why this blog has been so neglected for the past few months. I have thought about posting often, but it just seems like there is never any time! I am finally figuring out how to cook (differently). Out the window are all the fun recipes I used to make. I compiled a new list of the very fastest, easiest things possible that are still fairly healthy, and I have still have to do some prep ahead of time or it is impossible.

Things have been especially difficult recently because Adam was teaching an evening class so he never got home until after 7:00. I know it's not that late, and there are some families where the working parent(s) never get home until later. But it was difficult for me. We survived, and I'm glad that class is over now.

Joshua and Lily are completely adorable though and we have so much fun!

Lily loves him, although she gets VERY jealous when I nurse him. For a while, every time I would pick him up to feed him, she would throw a big tantrum and scream that she wanted me to hold her instead. I can't blame her, and I feel bad that she takes it so hard. But we eventually figured out that if she really gets to bed on time, the tantrums are much less frequent and much less intense. So that is now my #1 goal each day: get Lily to bed on time. Sadly, it still doesn't always happen, but we're doing better.

Joshua is growing like a weed! He is also very strong. He can hold his head up of course, and can easily roll over both directions, and insists on standing whenever we hold him. He can support all his weight by himself, as long as we hold his hands to balance him. The doctor said he could be crawling at 6 months! That would be a shock to me, since Lily didn't crawl until 10 months. He is also very cheerful, aside from some recent screaming episodes related to teething. But he smiles a lot and is trying to grab and chew on everything.




He sleeps fairly well, still waking up twice at night, but he goes right back to sleep after nursing so it's no big deal. He has more hair than Lily had and it looks like it might be blonde! It will be fun if we have a little toe-head like I was.

Lily is getting better at handling Joshua and is very helpful. She regularly gets toys for him "so he can be happy."

She talks about him all the time and calls him "Dosua". Some of my other favorite pronunciations of hers include "Cindelella", "Pyoo-tyoo-tah" for "Computer", "Leh-woh" for "Yellow", and my all-time favorite: "pock-sih-pole" for "popsicle". Mostly we laugh at the bigger words she is starting to use in her little toddler voice. Like today she was stirring some food we gave her and said "I am stirring it so it will be quite delicious." or when we asked her to put on her shoes she said, "I suppose I could do that."

I got to take the kids for a visit to Utah for over two weeks to see my family. I went to two weddings and my high school reunion, and visited lots of friends and family.

This is my cousin Christian (3) giving Lily a hug at the wedding of his sister, Aurora.

We also went to Thanksgiving Point with my friend Amberly and her 3 girls for the requisite pony ride.

We spent a day helping my dad remodel his house which he is getting ready to sell, went to dinner at Brick Oven, visited the re-vamped BYU Bean Museum with my dad and his wife Elizabeth, went shopping with my sister, and swam at the AWESOME Provo Rec Center waterpark (for only $5!) with my family.

My brother Stephen and his wife Lisa graciously watched Lily and Joshua while I went to the temple and got my first-ever pedicure (courtesy of grandma Elizabeth!). The icing on the cake was that my brother Daniel took me ballroom dancing, which I haven't done in years, and miss more than anything else about my life before kids. It was immensely fun, and I can't wait to go back just for that!

Here are a few more pictures of the people we had fun with:

This is my friend Amberly's dad Paul (like a second dad to me), holding Joshua and Amberly's new baby.

Lily got to spend time with her friend Mary whom we haven't seen for a while.

The downside was that it was so much fun, the kids never got enough sleep and were very tired and grumpy some of the time. Lily threw the worst tantrums I have ever seen from any child in my entire life. Thankfully, now that we are back on our regular schedule, she is mostly cured and generally back to her normal self. We are very happy to be back home with Adam, and he is very glad to have his family back.