The Unexpected

I never thought this blog would be a vehicle to explore death, but I guess that's what it is. I am not really writing this because I care if anyone else reads it, I just need to write how I feel and writing in my journal would take too long. 

My mom is not doing well. I have complete faith that if the Lord still wants to heal her, He is just as capable now as he was a year ago. But it doesn't seem likely at this point. I have been so hopeful. She has received blessings stating that she would recover, and I fully believed them, although I also knew there was a possibility that she wouldn't. When Oliver Cowdery tried unsuccessfully to translate a part of the Book of Mormon, there is a passage in the Doctrine and Covenants that explains that it was expedient for him to translate before, but it is not now. Perhaps it was expedient for my mom to recover before, but it's not now. I don't feel angry or betrayed. I don't feel that the Lord has let me down. I just feel sad. Granted, she is still here, so maybe I will feel all those things in the future. But it's strange to think that this is happening to my family. I just never thought it would. I guess that's how life goes. You never think your house will burn down or your child will get addicted to heroine or your spouse will get Alzheimer's. I just never thought my mom would die of cancer.

I have thought, as I watched people I know suffer through the loss of loved ones, that I could never do that. It just sounded impossible. I have never lost someone close to me, and I have been terrified of what it would feel like. Strangely, I am not as devastated and terrified as I expected to be. Although that's typical of me; I generally think everything is going to be worse than it is (except giving birth--that was one a little harder than I anticipated, haha. :) I have felt so much peace for the last 6 months. I thought it was probably reassurance that she would recover. But I guess it was probably reassurance that this is the Lord's will. How can I be upset about that? He knows what I need to learn, and what everyone in my family needs to learn. Just the fact that He can give me this much peace at a time when such a hard thing is happening has strengthened my faith and helped me to see that He really is in control! He really can carry us through the hardest times. He really is all-powerful and all-knowing. I wouldn't want Him to deprive me of the opportunity to experience the growth I need to become worthy of inheriting all that He has.

But . . . I'm just going to miss her so much. She didn't make it in time for Lily's birth. I just assumed it was fine, and we would make sure she got there earlier next time. Now there probably won't be a next time (not that I won't have any more kids, just that she won't be able to come, physically). I'm so glad she got to become a grandma, but Lily won't remember her. She probably won't be there for my brother's wedding. There are so many things we still want to do together. She never got to go to Europe or take a whitewater trip down the Colorado. We were going to go kayaking in the Puget Sound this summer and take Lily on her first mini backpacking trip. She has so many ways she still wants to help people. She has so much cutting-edge knowledge about trauma therapy and how to help people using integrated techniques from many different fields. That will all be lost. I just feel like she has helped so many people and nobody can help her.

She is #3 on my speed dial, after voicemail and Adam. Who am I supposed to put in that spot? If I move everyone around, I will never remember which person goes where, but if I leave 3 empty forever, it will remind me every time I press the 3 button that she's not there to answer her phone anymore. Who am I going to call for advice about my kids? Well, I guess I can call Adam's mom. She's really great. But she's not my mom. She's not the person who sacrificed so much, probably more than almost anyone knows, for my family. She's not the one in all my memories and photographs. Will I ever be able to look at those pictures without being sad that she's gone?

And of course we will have to figure out how to plan a funeral, which sounds completely awful. It's like planning a wedding, except everybody is sad instead of happy, and you have to do it in like three days, and there are no expos or magazines or newlywed friends to give you advice, and you have to do it in the middle of experiencing one of the hardest trials of your life. Planning a wedding was stressful enough; this sounds just horrid. And of course now I am going to be the person that no one knows how to talk to, because what can you possibly say? "I'm sorry" just doesn't feel like enough, and you can't really do anything to make it better. I have totally been there before. So I am probably just going to feel bad for all the people who feel bad for me and also awkward because they don't know what to say. I'm sure I will appreciate their concern anyway. But then, I am going to be there too, because what am I supposed to say? What should I say to my dad who is facing the rest of his life alone or with someone else? He is only 51. That used to sounds kind of old to me. It is not even close to old. I want more than anything to be there for him and help him somehow, but I can't make it hurt any less. And I can't say that I understand what he's going through because I am not the one who might lose my spouse.

 I was listening to a devotional speech by Elder Maxwell (I really miss him) the other day, and I found what he had to say so profound:

God loves us and, loving us, has placed us here to cope with challenges which he will place before us. I'm not sure we can always understand the implications of his love, because his love will call us at times to do things we may wonder about, and we may be confronted with circumstances we would rather not face. I believe with all my heart that because God loves us there are some particularized challenges that he will deliver to each of us. He will customize the curriculum for each of us in order to teach us the things we most need to know. He will set before us in life what we need, not always what we like. He knows the kind of remodeling in your life and in mine that he wishes to achieve. Now, this will require us to believe in that divine design and at times to accept the truth which came to Joseph Smith wherein he was reminded that his suffering would be “but a small moment” (D&C 121:7).  

Let me remind you [of what we] say in the Church: that life is a school, a testing ground. What we don't accept are the implications of that true teaching—at least as fully as we should. One of the implications is that the tests that we face are real. They are not going to be things we can do with one hand tied behind our backs. They are real enough that if we meet them we shall know that we have felt them, because we will feel them deeply and keenly and pervasively. 

 So I guess I am learning about what it's like to go through a trial. Not that I haven't experienced them before. But I have thought many times that my life has probably been too easy, and I was due for something really hard. I was really afraid of what it might be. It's funny that now that it's here, I am not afraid. But things will definitely be hard. I guess if I don't have my mom, I will just have to rely on the Lord more than ever before. That's not a bad thing. Maybe that's what I am supposed to learn.