Small Miracles

I feel so blessed. We have seen a number of large and small miracles in the past few months, and I need to record them. There are three blessings in particular that seem worthy of mentioning.

First, is the miracle that Adam only has to defend his dissertation, and he will be completely done! This honestly seemed impossible only a few months ago.

In early summer of last year, Adam and I sat down and made a schedule of how he was going to finish his dissertation by the end of this summer. He planned to finish the literature review (a summary of previous research on the subject) by the end of October, and then progress on to the next step. That did not happen by the end of October. Or November. He got stuck and encountered some roadblocks. When we were nearing the end of winter this year, and he still wasn't done, I started to panic. I knew there was still so much more to be done after the end of the literature review.

During this time, we had been trying to attend the temple every month. It had been very difficult. It is a 90+ minute drive to the Portland temple, and Joshua often cried for much of that, regardless of how we tried to distract, entertain, or console him. Then we took turns doing initiatories, and repeated the painful trip to return home. It took up an entire Saturday, and was always stressful.

At one point, I about gave up. It felt way too hard to go every month. But I prayed about it and felt that we should still go, even if we had to take turns, so only one of us could go each month. We tried that, which was easier. However, the closer we got to this summer (when his dissertation had to be finished), the more that time felt like a huge sacrifice. He was working on his paper many of the other Saturdays. But I felt impressed that if we made the sacrifice to go to the temple, Adam would be blessed to finish his dissertation by the end of the summer.

In April, he finally finished the literature review and had his proposal meeting. By this time, he already had a job offer at the University of Arizona, so we knew he absolutely had to finish by the end of the summer. He had 3 months to do what we had planned to spend 9 months on. It felt so impossible, when every other part of the process had taken more than twice as long as planned.

But of course, the Lord came through. After working almost every waking moment for several weeks, Adam finished his last draft and submitted it to his committee for review near the end of June. He has scheduled his defense for 10 days before we move, which will hopefully give him just enough time to make any changes they recommend. Since his proposal, he has encountered a few challenges, but everything has gone so much faster than we expected. Things have fallen into place and come together so well - clearly with divine assistance. Adam was able to walk at his graduation knowing that he was so close to being done. I am so grateful that we made the effort to go to the temple each month, in spite of the sacrifice, and I am grateful for the Lord's help with getting this paper done!

The second blessing we have experienced is in the form a beautiful missionary experience. One day I was outside and noticed a man watching the children play on the playground. I introduced myself and spoke with him. He hold me that he was visiting from China on a research assignment for 3 months. He mentioned how much he loves children and how he hopes to have some children of his own someday. I only spoke with him for a few minutes, but I immediately felt that he was a very good person, and that the Lord wanted me to share the gospel with him.

I invited him to participate in a barbeque with some of our neighbors, and we started talking about experiences he should have while in America. I recommended that he attend a Christian church, and invited him to come to church with us the following Sunday. He accepted, and surprisingly, came to church with us for 6 consecutive weeks before he had to return to China. Although he declined the invitation to meet with the missionaries, he downloaded the lds tools app on his phone by himself, read about church history on mormon.org, began reading the scriptures, and started talking to his wife (who was still in China) on the phone about how good he felt when he attended church. He even found out where church meetings are held in his city in China, so he could take her to them upon his return.

We answered many questions about various gospel topics, and it became clear that the Spirit was working in his life. I gave him scriptures in English and Chinese. As we got to know him better, we realized what an honest, kind, caring, good person he was. We gave him rides to church and he made delicious Chinese food for us. When he finally left, it was bittersweet. Our eyes were wet with tears, and I know it was because learning about the gospel had changed his life. Unfortunately, we learned that he would not be able to attend church meetings in China after all. But I feel strongly that someday, hopefully soon, when the gospel is available in China, he will be ready for it.

It was such a beautiful experience to see the gospel working to change someone's life. Especially for someone who had never been able to experience Christianity before, the gospel truths opened his eyes to so much he had never known and answered so many questions. I have tried to share the gospel many times, and have always met with apathy or opposition. This experience made all those worth it. I wish with all my heart that everyone in the world could enjoy the blessings of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, the way I have experienced them. I know not everyone will choose to accept it, but I feel that it is my responsibility to share it with as many as I can. I am grateful that the Lord led me to someone who was willing and receptive. I hope that someday, he can experience the fullness of the gospel in his life.

Finally, there is one other blessing that has impacted me personally. For many years, I have wanted to be more involved in music. But I have been unable to make it a significant part of my life. In college, I was part of the Latter Day Sounds choir and the BYU Vocal Jazz Ensemble, but that was the extent of my musical involvement. I auditioned for other things, but had many bad auditions. There were other times when I made it into something and just couldn't fit it into my schedule. Most frequently, I simply had to pass up opportunities because I simply didn't have time. I felt strongly that I should major in business, and had to work hard to pay tuition. After graduation, I worked full-time at a good, but stressful, job, and had two time-intensive callings. When that phase ended, I had a baby, and then another. They have kept me very busy and there has been little time for music.

I was able to take voice lessons from several teachers - a few during high school and a couple more during college. I certainly learned from them, but it always felt like I was missing something. My voice did not develop the way I hoped it would, and I always felt like I was singing under my potential. At times, my heart ached for this part of myself that was almost void from my life. I would have dreams of being involved in plays or ensembles, but usually told myself that that part of my life was over. I prayed that I would someday have opportunities I felt like I had missed, but only half believed that would happen.

The only area of my life that still involved music was my church callings. I was called as the ward choir director two separate times, and I loved that calling. I learned to direct music with my heart and soul, and I loved it. It was not what I had planned to do with my talent, but I decided that since the Lord gave me all my musical ability, I had better use it the way He wanted me to. After doing this for a while, I was asked to be involved in the music for a stake play. That was a great experience. While doing that, I met a local voice teacher who is a retired opera singer. I longed to take lessons from her, but knew I could not afford it.

Then this summer, two years later, someone suggested to me that I should take lessons from this woman. I have been doing a little work recently for my sister's business, and felt like maybe I could afford lessons for the few months until we move. I wasn't sure that would be enough time to accomplish anything. But I felt something pushing me to contact her. So I did.

I was amazed. After only two lessons, I could sing like I have never been able to sing before. She was able to pinpoint a few simple things I was not doing correctly, which no teacher has ever mentioned to me before, and it entirely changed my voice. Thankfully, there were a number of other things I was already doing correctly, so the process could go quickly. There is still much progress I can make, but I finally feel like I can access what I always knew was inside. Clearly, she is a very gifted teacher, and I am very grateful to her for sharing her talent with me. But most of all, I am grateful that as a result of my service in the church, the Lord led me to this incredible opportunity.

After my first month of lessons, I began wondering if we really had the money for this. Shortly thereafter, my former employer called and asked if I would do a project for them for the first time in 18 months. I have now finished the work, and have earned enough to pay for two months of lessons. Clearly, the Lord is mindful of what I need and has blessed me with this opportunity!

I feel so strongly that He is finally blessing me with what I want because I was willing to sacrifice for what He needed me to do for so long. Because I put my family, callings, and other priorities ahead of my personal ambitions, he has led me to someone who can help me make up for lost time. I am not predicting that I will pursue a career in music or anything (ha!), but I feel like if I auditioned for many of the things I didn't make before, I could probably get in. As an added bonus, I was randomly asked to sing the national anthem at a baseball game on the 4th of July. That was the first time I have sung anywhere other than church in many years. It was a really fun opportunity.

These would probably seem like small things to many others. But it feels like a big deal to me. The end of my patriarchal blessings states that the blessings described will be fulfilled according to my faithfulness, along with the secret desires of my heart. The secret desires of my heart revolve around music, although I often wrote them off as unimportant. But the Lord knew they were important to me. I am grateful for this opportunity, but I am even more grateful for the testimony it has been to me that God is aware of what is important to me, no matter how insignificant. He recognizes the sacrifices I have made, and He is blessing me for those sacrifices.

Obviously, our family has been blessed in many ways. As I have felt apprehensive about our move to Arizona, I keep coming back to the ways the Lord has been involved in our lives recently, and I cannot deny His hand. Even regarding our move (at the end of this month!), we have been blessed with a PERFECT job for what Adam wants, we found an affordable apartment in Adam's sister's ward (and it's twice as big as the tiny one we're in right now), we found an affordable moving company that will drive our stuff there for us, various people have offered to help us, etc. I KNOW His hand is in this, and I know it's the right place for us to go. The Lord is aware of us, and I know He will continue to bless us in Arizona just as He has blessed us in Oregon. The church is true wherever we go, and with the gospel, we can be happy regardless of whatever else happens.

My Burning Bush

I listened to a BYU devotional today given by a former professor of mine.

http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=2221

In his address, he describes an experience in which the Lord confirmed a correct decision. He told his wife, "I know it. I couldn’t be any more sure than Moses and the burning bush.” This address was, in turn, a confirmation to me from the Lord. It affected me in such a personal way that I wrote to the professor and sent him the following email:

Dear Bro Parker, 

I am a former student of yours. I believe I took your Book of Mormon class in 2005, and it had a profound influence on my life. Because of this, when I was browsing the BYU devotionals today looking for something to listen to while cutting my husband's hair, I noticed that you gave a address recently and we decided to listen to it. 

I was particularly impressed by your story about looking for a house in Tucson. I have only been to Tucson once, and I thought it was the ugliest place I had ever seen. I felt like it was sucking the life out of me, and I swore I could never live there.   

Then last week, my husband was offered a faculty teaching position at the University of Arizona. It is his first job after he will (hopefully!) finish his doctoral dissertation. We are thrilled with the offer. However, I have struggled immensely at the thought of living in Tucson, especially after residing in lush Oregon for the past four years. I have wondered if the Lord would really provide a situation for me where I could feel at home. I have prayed continuously to see the good in this opportunity and to be happy about moving there.  

Tonight, as I listened to you describe your dismay at searching unsuccessfully for a place to live amid the unfamiliar territory of desert rocks and cacti, tears began to well up in my eyes. When you described reading in the scriptures the words "Thou hast prepared a house," and then finding that house, confirmed with signs from the Lord, I had to stop cutting my husband's hair because I couldn't see through the tears. Your devotional address was the sign to me that God has a place prepared for us in Tucson, and that this is where I am supposed to go.  

Coincidence? I think not. 

Thank you for sharing this story. I hope it had meaning for many in the audience, but it felt like you were giving it just for me. It was an answer to my prayers. I will go forward in faith, knowing that the Lord is mindful of me in this situation. Thank you for being the medium through which He could send this message.

So Many Good Things Happening!

So many good things have been happening lately! I feel so grateful.

First, I feel like I have finally been participating in music in some really fulfilling ways. Ever since I decided not to pursue a degree in music in college, I have felt like I missed my opportunity to develop my musical skills. But being here in Corvallis has been such a great blessing for me in that way. I was asked to be the ward choir director a couple years ago, which I had done before, and it was my favorite calling. Our choir is fairly small and requires a lot of PR work and practice, but it has been a lot of fun. And it has really grown and developed over the past couple years. I am finally able to give them challenging pieces and know that they can sound beautiful!

After leading the choir for about 6 months, I was asked to be the musical director for the stake play, which completely intimidated me. But I learned so much! Then recently, I was asked to conduct a combined choir to sing in stake conference. Wow - it was AMAZING to conduct a large choir that could really follow me. What an exhilarating experience! It was like playing a really large musical instrument in 4 parts at once, just by waving my hands around! I really enjoyed it.

And then they asked me to conduct the stake choir for the upcoming stake Easter program. We have only had once practice, but it was really fun to work with the cream of the crop in terms of musical ability. I am really excited! Conducting feels like it fits me so well. I have always wished I could play the piano better because I love the expression that can be conveyed through piano music. There are pieces I feel like I can play with all the expression I want to communication. But I don't sight read really well, and I will never be a great pianist. But when I lead a choir, I can help them sing with that much expression. I can use the dynamics, variations in tempo, fermatas, and other musical elements to bring real meaning and beauty to the music. I know I still have a lot to learn, but in the moment, I feel like I was meant to do this.

And also, as a result of my ward and stake choir opportunities, people keep asking me to teach voice lessons. I have refused for a while because I have no formal pedagogy training. But finally, it felt right and I conceded. So I have been teaching a 10-year-old girl voice lessons since October. And I LOVE IT! We are not doing anything advanced, and since she is so young, I have tried to be very careful with her voice. But it has been wonderful to help her discover her head voice and develop the talents she already has. We have also worked on sight reading, breath support, tone, pronunciation, interpretation, and various other elements of singing. She has already improved a lot! It has also forced me to begin singing myself. And surprisingly, I still can! I would like to really get my voice "back in shape", but I'm glad this has forced me to start.

All this music has kept me really busy though. In addition, someone from the stake asked Adam and I to conduct a youth ballroom dance activity, so we spent last Thursday night teaching night club two-step. That was fun. I am also watching a neighbor girl (Lily's best friend), almost every day. But it's all good things and it is nice to do a few things that feel self-actualizing.

And for the final bit of good news - Adam got a job! (You have probably already heard) He will be teaching family studies and human development at the University of Arizona. This means we will be moving to Tucson, Arizona in early August. I am very sad to leave Corvallis, which I have loved so much. I am also sad that we won't be moving any closer to my family - we'll be just as far in the other direction as we are now. But Adam's sister and her family, including Lily's only cousin, live there, and we are SO excited to be close to them!

I could write several more posts about how I feel about this, but I won't have time, so I'll sum up: super excited about being employed, hate the climate in Tucson, love lots of other things about the city like great food, ballroom dancing, lots of artistic stuff, temple announced there, will have to learn how to garden in the desert so my yard isn't just rocks and cactus, LOVE the housing prices, and my hair will actually be blonde again (not yucky brownish like it is now!). I hope it will be a good experience for all of us, but I know it will be a great opportunity for Adam. The job is perfect for him in every way! It is a huge answer to prayers, and we are so grateful! Thank you to everyone who has been praying for us to get a job! (Now pray that Adam can finish his dissertation in time to actually start working on August 17!)

Warning: Kid Bragging Post

Wow, it's been a long time since I've spent much time writing on this blog. These kids just keep me so busy! But they are so cute that I am going to brag about them. Actually I mostly want to document a few things about them right now, so I don't forget.

Lily has said some funny things lately. Yesterday, when we were trying to get her to eat her dinner, I told her she could either eat the green food or the yellow food (collard greens or sweet potatoes with sausage and pineapple). She gazed mournfully at both dishes, then looked at me and sadly responded, "But I really like pink."

Shortly thereafter, Adam temporarily confiscated her stuffed cat, Bobbie. While he was trying to explain that she could have Bobbie back after she ate some dinner, Lily was ignoring him and talking to Bobbie. She lamented, "I'm very sorry Bobbie but your life is ruined."

When talking about her toys, she frequently describes their circumstances as "comfortable" or "uncomfortable." Only she pronounced it, "cump-tah-bow". Lily is almost always dressed in a Cinderella or Aurora princess dress, with her heart crown on her head, and often a pink gauze blanket around her neck as a "cape". She then runs around jumping off things and declaring, "Lily to the rescue!" Today when I asked her to come let me brush her teeth, she said matter-of-factly, "But Mommy, I am doing my princess jumps." She likes "exocizes" and is perfectly content to watch entire 2-hour-long ballets on youtube. When I asked her if she wanted to enroll in a ballet class, she rolled her eyes and said with attitude, "Mommy, I already know how to dance ballet." 

Lily is also surprisingly good at coloring in the lines. She only scribbles when she's upset. She does, however, like to color over the same area so many times with her markers that the page becomes saturated and tears. And then she cries. She is also really good at puzzles, and can count objects fairly reliably now.

Lily's best friend Molly spends time at our house almost every day, and Molly is very into Ninja Turtles. So the other day I found them both wearing princess dresses, crowns, colored Ninja turtle bandanas, and carrying toy swords. They asked me to turn on Frozen music, and then ran to the "sewer" (the space between our couches) and proceeded to sing "Let it go" while pretending to hit Shredder (the villain from Ninja Turtles) with their swords.

Lily apparently LOVES primary! I was nervous about the transition to Sunbeams at church, but she has done great. Today I watched her from the window during singing time, and she was captivated, with alternating expressions of glee, surprise, enthusiasm, and giggling. At one point, even though none of the other kids thought the song was particularly entertaining, Lily kept laughing until she made the primary chorister laugh.

Joshua is so adorable, and (of course) so different from Lily! He is all muscle and no fat. He is so little, it makes me laugh every time I change his clothes! But he is very strong and active. He climbs all over everything and crawls with one knee and one foot. He goes so fast that he looks like a galloping monkey. He also LOVES the bathtub. He can splash continually for 10 minutes. One day, Lily was in the tub and Josh pulled himself up to the edge. Lily started splashing water in his face, and I thought he was crying. But then I realized he was laughing hysterically! He loved being splashed in the face, and stood laughing continuously for several minutes, while Lily soaked him and the whole bathroom.

Joshua loves playing with toys and crawling around so much that he won't let me read to him. I read to Lily all the time when she was his age, but if I attempt to read to Joshua, he tries to eat the book and cries when I don't let him. He still wakes up about 3 times each night. I think he's just so little that he really is hungry. We are trying to teach him to sleep better, but not having much luck.

Josh loves the pictures of my mom and Jesus that are taped above Lily's bed and he frequently climbs up there and tries to pull them off. He has very nice, thick, even blonde hair (unlike Lily's, which was uneven and sparse until she was 2). Their smiles are so similar and they love to hug and climb on each other. He has the best little giggle, and everybody loves making him laugh.

They are so much fun and they are growing up so fast! Good thing I know every stage is even more fun than the one that came before. (Although I'm not going to lie, I can wait a little longer for Josh to become a toddler!)

2014 - What a great year!

This past year was fun, busy, difficult in some ways, and mostly wonderful. We made great memories and enjoyed being together.

As I look back to the beginning of 2014, the only thing that really stands out in my mind is being hugely pregnant for 3 months.

I am so glad that's over! Finally in early April, we welcomed precious Joshua Paul into our home. It was a wonderful experience in every way.

Many family members came to visit over the next few weeks and months and it was great to see them!

In May, we attended a family reunion in Idaho. It was great to see my family!

At the end of the summer, the kids and I took a trip to visit my family in Utah while Adam stayed in Oregon to teach a class. Again, it was great to see everyone!

This fall, Adam has started applying for various teaching jobs. We are excited to see where we are going to end up! Hopefully he will get some offers and can start teaching at a university next fall. And hopefully he can finish his dissertation in time to accept an offer if he gets one!

Lily and Joshua have become best friends. He crawls after her as she dances and sings around the house in her princess dress-up clothes. They both love playing the piano and "singing" along. We feel incredibly blessed to have them in our lives. 2014 was a wonderful year, and we felt the hand of the Lord in our lives so much. We hope 2015 will bring new adventures and blessings in our lives and yours!

Princess Birthday Pictures - Happy #3!

I don't have time to write a real post, but here are the pictures from Lily's birthday and her princess dress-up party. She had a lot of fun!

Lily's Nana made her an adorable apron.

And I made her a cake.

They had great fun dancing to princess music

We had two Cinderellas, two Snow Whites, an Elsa, and a Rapunzel. 

Happy birthday Lily! We love you!

Thoughts on Perfectionism

Wow. I am a perfectionist. Big time. I guess I have known this before. I dedicated an entire year to dealing with stress and perfectionism, hoping that it would help me get pregnant (and not lose my mind). It worked, and now I have two beautiful children! But unfortunately, caring for those two beautiful children has put me over the edge. I realized this past week, after a number of stressful events, and after reading an article entitled Traits of Perfectionists, that my perfectionism has returned with a vengeance.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery, right? Well, now I have admitted it to the whole world. Or at least everyone who reads this blog, which is not that many. But hopefully this will create some accountability in my own head. So here are a few thoughts regarding what I have found that will hopefully help me start an uphill climb to overcome my perfectionism!

7 Points to Help Overcome My Perfectionism

1 - God gave us weaknesses

If God intentionally gave me my weaknesses, I don't need to feel bad about them! If I can humble myself and have faith in Him, He will turn my weaknesses into strengths. (Ether 12:27)

2 - God's grace is sufficient

No one can be perfect through sheer grit and determination. Only through the grace of God can He eventually guide us to that outcome (and not in this life!). We simply must trust that as long as we have faith and keep walking in the right direction on the straight and narrow path, His grace IS SUFFICIENT to make up the difference. That is what faith and hope mean! So I can stop trying to do it all myself. (See Brad Wilcox, "His Grace is Sufficient")

3 - I am imperfect and worthy of love

I do not need to earn anyone's love or approval by being perfect. Honest vulnerability, not being perfect, will help me become close to others and feel loved. ("The Power of Vulnerability") That is the reason I am posting this on my blog. Surprise, surprise world - I am not perfect! Now that the cat's out of the bag (yeah, right!), hopefully I can give up trying to convince everyone that I am perfect.

4 - No comparing!

I do not need to compare myself (or my accomplishments) to anyone, ever. Especially to other moms. I often measure my "effectiveness" by comparing myself to people whose circumstances are much different than mine. Without a dishwasher, it is impossible for me to keep my kitchen as clean as it would be if I had one. I don't have near as much time to get things done as I would if Lily took a nap every day, or even most days. And I suppose it's highly possible that even if I had those luxuries, I still wouldn't get near as much done as I think I would. 

Regardless of my situation, it is always damaging to compare myself to others. So, as much as I admire moms who post photos of their picture-perfect spiral french braid hairstyles, or birthday cakes that look like prize-winning sculptures, or homemade-but-professional-looking domestic decor that changes with every holiday season, or perfectly coordinated and themed family Halloween costumes, I DO NOT HAVE TO BE THAT PERSON!!! And I do not need to feel bad or second-rate about not being that person. Everyone, no matter how perfect they appear online (see Brad Paisley, "So Much Cooler Online"), struggles and faces challenges. Most importantly, we are all of equal infinite worth to God, no matter what we do. I am of value because I am a daughter of God.

5 - Conquer by Surrendering

Surrendering to my own imperfection will help me overcome my perfectionism! "Perfection is about controlling the outcome in order to receive love and acceptance. It’s all about fear. Surrender is about accepting where we are at in any moment, knowing that we are a work in progress." I am going to be okay with having dinner at 7:30 (like we did tonight), or passing some days without playing outside, or letting Lily watch 2 movies in one day when circumstances require. I will be okay with bottled pasta sauce, and letting Lily run around the house buck naked while I am nursing Joshua, and not updating the main picture on my blog for two entire years (and one additional family member), and going two full weeks without giving Joshua a bath (there, I said it - breathe!). Even when things happen that I don't prefer, I will accept and love myself anyway. Doing this will help me to remain calm with my children, because their actions will not threaten how I view my own parenting.

6 - Be Kind to Myself

Negative self-talk will always bring me down. Beating myself up in my head never improves my situation, and usually renders me completely incapable of completing whatever I am trying to accomplish. When the negative self-talk starts, I will find at least 5 kind things to say about myself instead. And I will not get down on myself for having negative self-talk, either! I will forgive myself, be kind to myself, and move forward.

7 - Take Preventative Measures

Breathe deeply. Pray. Read scriptures. Do yoga. Exercise. But don't feel bad when I don't!
P.S. Bonus #8 - Gratitude!

It occurred to me this morning that gratitude is a very important piece of this puzzle. Whenever I am focused on being grateful for how I have been blessed, I spend less time feeling inadequate and unhappy. It is easier for me to focus on others instead of criticizing myself.

And I am so very blessed! I feel particularly grateful for my testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, for my wonderful marriage to an incredible, loving, and forgiving husband who really does a lot to help me, and my two precious, adorable children. I am grateful for our good health, for our relatively small amount of debt for all our years of school, for my great and supportive friends and ward members. I am thankful for a home to live in and food to eat. I am grateful that the parking lot and laundry building are so much closer than they were in our last apartment, and I'm grateful that Lily has good friends to play with and a playground almost right outside our door. What huge blessings!

When I think about my mom having 3 children under the age of 2 when my brothers were born, I realize how easy I have things. Or two of my friends, both young moms, who have recently had strokes, or parents who unselfishly raise children with disabilities. Or when I think about anyone struggling in a difficult marriage, or single parents, or anyone who has ever lost their spouse or a child, I remember that I am so very blessed! My heart goes out to those who want to find an eternal companion, but haven't been able to, or those who desperately long for children, or those whose children have made wrong choices, or anyone struggling with an addiction.

My challenges seem so insignificant compared to what they could be. The Lord has truly blessed me abundantly. Gratitude will fill my heart with joy and will leave no room for feelings of inadequacy. I will be happy because I am grateful!