It doesn't get better than this

I can't believe my daughter's age is now measured in months instead of weeks! The time has flown by, but I know my life could never be the same again without her.

It is funny to look back at all the things I didn't know before having her. I didn't know I would love being a mother so much. I was afraid of spending all my time alone just taking care of a baby. But I am not just taking care of a baby, I am spending my time with beautiful Lily, who is such a unique and wonderful person! I have gotten to know her so well. All the little things about her that make her who she is are so endearing to me, like the way she scrunches up her face and pushes her head forward like she is trying to do sit-ups whenever she needs to burp, or how big her eyes get when she gazes in wonder at the trees and the sky every time we go for a walk. I love the way she suddenly stops fussing when I am changing her diaper and smiles at me with a huge, toothless grin, or the sleepy, contented look in her eyes when she is finished with a meal and looks up at me as if to say "thanks mom" before falling asleep. I am sure none of these things are unique to my baby, but they are special to me because I know what they mean and how they make up her personality. If I saw another baby doing the same things, they would be cute, but they wouldn't mean anything to me.

I never realized that someone so tiny could be so alive and have so much personality. I guess those are things you can only learn by spending all your time with a baby. I can't help but think when I look at her that even though her body may be small and helpless at the moment, she is an intelligent and good person and already learned many things in her previous life, and made the choice to come to this earth. In fact, there is definitely the possibility that she is more intelligent and more knowledgeable than I am. It is simply my responsibility to remind her of what she already knows and give her the resources to accomplish the mission she was committed to before she came here. Wow, what a huge responsibility!

I also have this funny feeling that I already knew her. I keep having the thought that we are friends, which is different than the feeling of loving my baby daughter. Almost two years ago, I had the strong impression that there was a little girl waiting to come to our family. I knew, throughout the pregnancy, that she was a girl, and I also felt (after a certain point) that her name should be Lily instead of various other names we liked. I don't know if it is always like that, or even usually that way, but I don't think this is the first time we have gotten to know each other. I hope I can give her the kind of life I will be proud of and she can be grateful for, when we someday know each other again as old friends.

Other things I have learned about myself in new motherhood: I am still unnecessarily afraid of change. As with seemingly every other change in my life, I was so afraid of this one. Even after the many, many months of painfully longing to become pregnant, once it happened I was so afraid that it would take away all the good things I already had. Once again, I have learned that a sacrifice is a sacrifice because it is worth it. Yes, I gave up a few things, like my job, my flexibility, my efficiency, my ability to go anywhere without a HUGE hassle (and enough "luggage" that I feel like I'm going on a week vacation). But I love Lily so much more than any of that. And the most important things in my life, the gospel and my relationship with Adam, have only meant more to me and gotten better now that they are complemented by having a baby.  

I wish, I wish, I wish every person in the world could have this amazing experience! I do understand why some people don't want to, but if they only knew how wonderful it is to love someone so much and have them love you back for no reason other than that they belong to you! She doesn't have to do a single thing to mean the world to me. It's amazing how giving love, even more than receiving it, is what makes us truly happy. And I have found no better way to give love than to have a baby. It doesn't seem like having a baby  makes everyone happy, but it has certainly made me happier than I have ever been before.

Now, I won't lie - as any parents know, it's not all as easy as pie, not that making pie is easy for me (although I'm pretty good at eating it). There are frustrating things about living with a baby, like the day last week when I tried all day long to take a shower (because I hadn't gotten one the day before!), and it didn't happen until 10:00 in the evening, or the time she spit up in the middle of the night, missing all the strategically placed protective burp cloths and towels and projecting directly onto our sheets. It is not my first choice activities when she decides she wants to have 2 am play time after her midnight snack instead of going back to sleep, and of course, she always insists on being hungry every time we are walking out the door, regardless of how many times I have fed (or tried to feed) her in the hour before we have to leave.

Of course, I have learned some new skills. I am getting really good at typing with one hand (yes, I wrote this whole blog post whilst nursing Lily), driving while reaching into the back seat to hold a pacifier in Lily's mouth, and cooking dinner without being able see the counter-top directly in front of me for the baby strapped to my chest. But in spite of the inconveniences, life has been so wonderful since she arrived. Those things are all so small in comparison to how wonderful it is to have her. I think my thoughts about how my life has changed since having a baby are summed up well in the words of Brad Paisley:

Just when I start thinking it's as good as it can get.
This crazy life does something just to let me know 
I haven't seen anything yet. 
And I said to myself,
"It doesn't get better than this.
No, it doesn't get better than this."

But it did.